Yes Virginia, there is a Dragonpuncher and he's Totes McGotes p.fresh and stuff.

F'realz.  Mufasa said it.

Now that we've established this in canon, moving on.

Sovngarde!  Oh myyyyyyy!  Such a pretty fog-filled place, like fancy Lon-don town, Enga-land!  With similar numbers of Jack the Rippers, too probs.

Onwards!  I have Elder Scrolls Valhalla to find, and stop Alduin from eating everyone in Nord-heaven because that's a dick move, Alduin!

Kodlak; shining beacon in a sea of pessimism.

You'd think that the guy for whom I cured his eternal soul of the foul stench of lycanthropy (and the indentured servitude to Hircine that came with it I might add) from oh y'know BEYOND THE GRAVE, he'd have a little more confidence in me than what he's giving.  Seriously dude, reforming your order of naughty puppies was CHILD'S PLAY.

Giant space whale bone bridge to Asgard Sovngarde?  Seems legit.

 It's like that shot of the brewery in "Strange Brew".  Just, guys, I... I need a moment.  *Sniff* I'M HOME!  Woo yeah time to--

Bouncer gonna bounce.

 Damnit, looks like there's a cover charge to get into this party, and the fee is kickin' this Thor-lookin' motherfucker's ass all up'n'down that space whale bone bridge.  Bring it on.

Droppin' sick beats, you crusty knave!

 YES!  YEEEEEEEEES!  ALL THE BEERS.  ALL MINE!  And cheese!  This place is AWESOME! I don't ever want to leave, oooh what's over there!

All-you-can-eat cows roasting on an open fire.  You'd have to be crazy to want to leave!

Huh? What?  With our voices combined?  Oh yeah Alduin.  Right right right.  Sure thing.  We'll go do that right now, so we can get back to the party!

Cleared the mist; found no gorillas, or gorillaz.  Am sad now.

 So with the original three heroes who sent Alduin from their era to mine (dicks!) we're gonna get rid of him here, in Sovngarde where he's been feasting on my ancestors' souls and increasing exponentially in power.  HOW QUAINT.

RAWR AM DRAGGIN. GONN ETT U NOM NOM NOM

 OH SHI--- BOSS TIME!  Me 'n the Warriors Three gon' have at it!  Alduin, you're going down!

THIS ISN'T EVEN MY FINAL FOR--oh wait it is.  :C

 VICTOLY.

SUCK IT, ALDUIN.  The End Times are for another day!

"So... what do we do now?" "We work hard.  We party hard."

 Hooray and huzzah!  Skyrim, and all of Tamriel really, is safe once more from impending doom and gloom!  Well at least from dragon incursions, that is.  There's probably something else waiting to crawl out of the shadows and eat me and everything I love at a moment's notice.

"I will fly you there upon my exquisitely chiseled pecs."

 OK Tsun, I've had my fill of adventure, mead, and song.  I'll come back when I'm dead, so keep the good times rolling until I get back.  I'm ready to go horm.

Tsun's ability to get you home: a bit off.

 So the big lunk warps me back;  ..inside a dungeon.  I meet Medresi, an elf.  She's looking for help to get to a treasure deeper in, and what the hell, I want to get out, right?  Might as well pick up some treasure on the way.

Mere moments before Medresi gets killed by all the ghosts 'n draugrs (SNES edition).  I'm not in my underwear, I promise.

 So... she's dead.  or gone.  Look I can't find her, and cannot be bothered to go on a rescue mission.  These draugr won't re-kill themselves and there's still all that treasure around.  Can you say no to treasure?  I know I can't!

Helpful ghost!

 So I meet up further down the dungeon path with a very helpful ghost.  Mostly helpful because he was slain by whatever big bad thing deeper-in and wants reveeeeeeeeeeeeeenge.  Sure that's fine with me buddy; because TREASURE.

Floaty swords.

 Game is now causing weaponry to just hang mid-air now, once their owner is killed.  Normally the items go scattering in arc to the ground, Skyrim's physics engine actually pretty decent, with the object bouncing and sliding under its own momentun for a bit.  Now?  sometimes things just get stuck in the air like that.

Kinda cool!  But totally not working as intended.

Otar the Mad Mad Mad Mad wooooooooooooorld dragonpriest.

OTAR.  GIVE ME YOUR TREASUUUUUUUUUUUUURE.

Next time: we rejoin the surface world.

Dey see me pollin'; dey votin'. Try'na catch me bloggin' durty.

Greetings all!

So it dawned on me the other night as I was delecting upon the finest cheeses, whiskeys and Skyrims, that I'm nearing the end of my journey through content!  There's tons of generic quests to run through after the main ones sure, but once you get through the DLC and the Main Story, there's little to the game other than dynamically-generated dragons & fetch quests.

Which isn't bad per say, it just lacks that story OOMPH! of having to fight Alduin or getting all the Jarls to act like adults for one meeting.

SO!  I've managed to set up a poll on the blog, you may have noticed it on the right, with a slight color change too.

Essentially, I'm asking you, my adoring (and adored!) public: WHAT SHOULD I PLAY NEXT?!

The poll is stuff I have easy access to, and is opened ended enough that I can blog about.  As much as I'd like to do my Borderlands 2 experience, its not really blogworthy.  (It is however very funny I encourage you to play it.)

So; here are the choices, in no particular order of preference:


Fallout 3

BOOM: HEADSHOT

Fallout: New Vegas

FORE!

Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion

Patrick Stewart & Sean Bean GALORE

Civilization 5

Giant Death Robots vs. Phalanx Cohort.

Terraria

I dug too deep and too greedily.

Starbound

Terraria in Space, essentially.

So, those are the main 6 choices.  Please note that while I'm not against fan-submitted choices (By all means, go for it) I'm looking at what's simultaneously bloggable about, and acquirable.  These games I have or can have relatively easy access to.  So if a lot of people suggest something else that's good, I might go with that.  If one of the above games wins it, I'm also taking suggestions (REASONABLE to NOT-SO-REASONABLE suggestions) as to how I should go about my playthrough.

• Want me to play Fallout with all my points into Melee and wearing pre-war clothing instead of armor?
• Want me to play Civilization 5 as the Mongols, and pursue a Space Race Victory?
• Want me to play Oblivion as a Full Plate Argonian Mage? (Metal Lizard Wizard!  PLZ DONT)

Let me know in the comments!  And drop a vote!  The poll will run until January 6th, unless there's an absolute clear winner.

Thanks again, you're all lovely and I adore you! MWAH MWAH.

What game should I play next?

Ombudsvahkiin: Worst job ever. Oh and dragons too, I guess.

Greetings, fellow navigators of the interwebs!  And a hearty hello to your pornographic deviants, that Blogspot seems to be saying you're all coming to my blog from very nasty sources!  You cheeky monkeys!  I won't name names, but y'all could tone it down a little, that'd be GREAT.

ONWARDS!  So after Alduin shows up interrupting my Paarthurnax-time at the Throat of the World (huech!) he basically tries to get a few licks in, but I send him packing... straight to Sovngarde.

I wish I meant that I hit him so hard, he died and went to Nord-Heaven, but no.  He used magic (!) and warped there, to go feast on the souls of dead Nords & heroes to gain strength and recuperate from the sound thrashing I just gave him.

Since I'm still quite well alive, I can't go to Sovngarde.  Not the traditional way, at least.  The Greybeards have an idea on how I can get there using Alduin's stuff, but first I gotta settle a growing problem in Skyrim.

Essentially the Stormcloak rebellion and the Imperial presence has gotten out of hand.  They're risking all-out war, and with a dragon threat imminent, I need to get them to stop bickering (i.e. fighting) long enough to deal with the dragons.  After that they can get back to killin' one another.

So begins my adventures of OMBUSDVAHKIIN... MEDIATORBORN!

Round table discussions about weaponized moon sugar proliferation and Nirnroot trade blockades.

Zzzzzz...

Arngeir clearly using me as a meatshield between the Stormcloaks, Imperials & Blades.

ZzzZzzzzZz-- Wait what; I need to capture a dragon using Whiterun's castle?  OK Fine.  If this gets you guys to at least stop killing one another for the time being, I'll trap the damn thing in my underoos if need be.  Buncha BABIES.  Onwards, to Whiterun's castle and its dragonsnatchin' contraption!

"Well this is awkward..."

Simple enough!  A dragon shout later (Call: Odahviing.  It calls... Odahviing.) Dragon-dude is there and Admiral Ackbar is too late for he is caught!  Rarely do I get to talk to dragons, as mostly they're all about tryin' to eat me.  Which is understandable; I am DELICIOUS.

Interrogate means punch, right?  

Just to make sure, I smack'im on the nose a few times, which makes me look like a monster, but gaze long enough into the abyss and all roads lead to Rome or something.  Look I don't have time to debate what scholars think "San Diego" means, I've a large dragon's will to break to my own.

Odahviing is reasonably complacent now that I've trapped him; so nice!

"Your Alduin is in another castle."

So Odahviing tells me I can get at Alduin if I go traipse around his ol' stompin' grounds in Skyrim, Skuldafn.  Thing is, Skuldafn is only accessible through flight, an ability I distinctly lack.  Unless I use the NoClip cheat, or get a horse and exploit the game's faulty code and scale a sheer cliffwall with one. (You can do that.)

Mecca Lecca Hi, Mecca Dovah-HI HO ODAHVIING, AWAY!

♫ ON THE WINGS OF A DRAGON ♫ mmmmm this is fun.  Flyin' all over Skyrim, towards probably certain doom, as I'm Doom-Driven, according to Paarthy.  But what does HE know, he's just a big dumb lizard too.  Onwards to Skuldafn!

Well he kept his word.  And he's right about that second bit too; except I'm comin' back. Not Alduin.

So Odahviing gets me to Skuldafn, but doesn't dare go beyond dropping me off in the parking lot.  Clearly he's intimidated by Alduin.  Or me.  Either way he SHOULD BE AFRAID.  I've got work to do.  Mostly clearin' out Alduin's cronies.

DOUBLE TROUBLE TAG TEAM WOOP DERE IT IS.

TWO!  Two of 'em just showin' up and bein' all RAWR!  Well I told them what's what, and a few soul-absorptions later start scaling what feels like a million stair cases...

Shout it all out!

Alduin's really pulling out all the stops and has a full cohort of Draugr Deathlords just Unrelenting Force-shouting people off the dang ol' mountain!  Sucks for them that I can do it too!

Let's see what's inside...

Alduin you SON OF A BITCH.

THE WORST NIGHTMARE EVER.

Nearly dying of fright, I surmount my fears, slay the giant spiders, and soldier on.

Traps for dummies.

GEE I WONDER WHAT TOTEM ANIMAL I SHOULD CHOOSE HERE TO OPEN THE DOOR... HURRRRRRRRRRR

Maxin' and Relaxin'

Nah dude; don't get up.  I got this.  This old ruined fane's got it all!  Hopefully I'll find the source of Alduin's power soon...

Disco Inferno!

Looks more like jerkied corpse.  Mmmm mmm.  Fire usually means dragons, so I gotta be getting close!  ooh a door leading back out into the world...

HE KNOWS MAGIC.  I REPEAT. HE KNOWS MAGIC.

Ontop of being shouted at, Frost Atronachs! (That big blue thing slightly off-screen.) Alduin don't play!

AH HA!

Well its big, glowy and shiny, I must be in the right place!  Just need to take care of that Dragon Priest there, and oo-rah.

Portal: ACTIVATE!

SHWOOSH-SHWOOSH-SHWOOSH-SHWOOSH

...

...

...

...

WARBWARBWARBWARBWARB

WELKAM TO SOFNGART.  YOU KANAT GO HORM.

Sovngarde!  Nord-equivalent of Valhalla!  MAMA I'M HOME!  I... just have no clue where I am IN Sovngarde though.  Oh well.  Time to explore the afterlife, but that is for our NEXT episode!

RAP GAME DOVAHKIIN - Fus Ro Dah the Police

I'M BACK, BABEH.

Hiatuses are, in a ways, a bitch.  I've gone through several busy periods at work, hardware / software failures at home, adventures, nightmares, the lot of it.  My life is a whirlwind of Drama and Excitement.  (Not really.)  Add to that a substantial dollop of depression about stuff, this little hobby project of mine took the wayside, in favor of dealing with more pressing RL(tm) matters.  I'm sure all of my adoring fans will understand.

I mean I haven't really played in the past months but that wouldn't have stopped me from posting; I still have maybe 1 or 2 blog posts' worth of images already saved, and there's still more content I haven't explored yet in-game.  Enough Whining!  Back on the horse! Yip-yip!  

This first image really does sum up my feelings / outlook on life for the past 3-4 months though, real talk.

Have you tried turning it OFF then ON again.

Where were we.  Oh yes; we'd just slewn a Vampire Lord infront of his daughter, saved the world from Eternal Darkness unless we decide to unleash it ourselves, because whatevs.

Steven Segal, keepin' us safe even in Skyrim.

Delphine wants me to go find her Blades pal & Top Doge, Esbern.  Last she's heard, some guy in Riften might know where he is.  But that this might be hard, because Blades are masters of stealth, having to survive the Altmeri Dominion and stuff.  Super-duper hard.

Brynjolf looks like he just smelled a rancid fart.

Way to stick to your business ethics, Brynjolf.  I didn't even give him money; I just used the Pesuade option!  To be fair, dragons ARE bad for a thieving business, as supply and demand plummets when everything is ash and nobody's alive to pay for'em.  Oh well; onwards to the Ratway!

"My God; he's full of stars."

 The Ratway is a cute name for Riften's sewer system, which doesn't have rats so much as brigands and hobos.  Crazy crazy hobos.

Classy beheadings; not this terrorist shaky-cam bullshit.  Look at that mood lighting!

 The scenery rapidly alternates between dank dookie-filled tunnel-system, to the serene-like grove seen above, back into the dark recesses of a city's aqueduct planning.  Oh and there's even a bar down here!

It's a dive bar.  the ol' waterin' hole.  I'll see myself out.

 The 'Ragged Flagon' as it is, turns out to be the main operations place for the Riften Thieves Guild.  That's something we'll get into later, which is neither here nor then.  Well its 'then' but we're not there yet.  Beyond the bar is further twistybits of the ratways, culminating in what can only be described as Arkham Asylum's sub-sub basement, locked away madfolk, one of them who's essentially Buffalo Bill.  Esbern has a place too, with like a million locks on his door.  I get why.

Esbern, played by Patrick Stewart, apparently.

 For a man on the run, he has one hell of a setup down here.  All the comforts of home, packed into a tiny dungeon cell inside the bowels of a city's sewage system.  Housing market isn't what it used to be, folks!  As I spring the ol' man which triggers a bunch of bullshit elves attacking me.  Whatever.  Dragonborn comin' through.  Fus!

Eventually I make it back to Riverwood with Esbern and meet up with Delphine.  Brass tacks, gents.  Sky Haven Temple is a thing.  It is a Blades thing.  And damnit, we're gonna take it back.  We're taking that sumbitch back like NOBODY'S BUSINESS.  Off we go.

Spritely for an Octagenarian!

 Esbern's just chargin' in there, meanwhile I can't help but see that dank dark cobwebby tunnel and think: "The penitent man kneels..." but I ain't got time fo' dat.  Neither does Esbern!  Men with a mission, and whatnot.  This whole sequence is quite uneventful so far anyways.

PLACE THE SILVER MONKEY IDOL ON THE DAIS

 Cool mechanic, game.  I gotta use my Dragonborn blood to open the door to the temple.  Hoo-ray for self-mutilation, NO I don't have a problem, YOU have a problem, THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL.

Ahem.  Onward Inward!  To Sky Haven Temple.

LOOK MA!  I'M ON TV!  Well a wall.  A millenia-old wall.  I'm kind of a big deal.

 Esbern essentially breaks down the Skyrim trailer that is voiced by Christopher Plummer or whatever when they were marketing the hell out of this.  Alduin the First, aka The Destroyer, aka Sucks McGee there, is back and that means the end-times.  He was defeated 1,000 years ago by a single dragon-shout, lost to time immemorial.  Esbern suggests I go hit up my ol' pals the Greybeards.  I mean they're only the very EXPERTS on dragon shouting, right?

LLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUD NOOOOOOOOOISES.  (Delphine for scale.)

 So its back up High Hrothgar, and beyond!  To the very throat of the world (Eugh.) to meet with Paarthurnax, Eldest of all Greybeards.  Possibly also Greyest.  Voiced by Charles Martinet (SUPER MARIO ISSA ME, OH! LETS-A-GO!) voice actor extraordinaire.  The trek up the mountain isn't without its perils.

'Bout to pay the Troll Toll with a fistful of Septims.  BLAM!

I get a new shout to get up there called Clear Skies!  It... clears the skies.  Of heavy Dragonborn-killing fog.  Which is good, because I enjoy living!  And hey if going "YOOOOOSH!" makes some nasty wind go away, who am I, or anyone for that matter, to question the logic behind it?

SO RONERY

 Place is deserted.  Nobody's ho--

COME AT ME DOVA-BRUH; DO YOU EVEN FUS!?

WELL.  Paarthurnax is actually real after all, AND a dragon.  Wasn't expecting that. More the 2nd bit than the first one.  Also he's kind of a dickbag, immediately shouting shit at me, startin' stuff he don't wanna be finishing, because I gave him a cauliflower ear.  If that's even possible.  Do dragons have ears?  If so, can they be boxed and made to be as hideous as Randy Couture's? hort hort hort.

Paarthurnax does the Puppy-shunt-your-head-to-the-side-to-listen thing VERY well.

 Now that I've humored him with my all-encompassing fisty-might, Paarthurnax decides to tell me 'bout the shout called 'Dragonrend'.  And that it is alien to dragonkind, as it was not created by them, but by mortals.  He does not know it, for the words are not of his tongue.  Well they ARE, but aren't.  Dragon language is complicated as the grammar is quite fluid, and those transitive verbs... that might be a lesson for a different time.  Paarthurnax tells us we need an Elder Scroll.  Luck so has it that we did the Dawnguard stuff that ALSO needs an Elder Scroll (i.e. the same one) so I just whip that bad boy out, and we're off through time!

I'd say spoiler warning, but its been 2 years now.  Deal with it.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

 Using the Way-Way Back Machine(tm) we are now ... -1,000 years from whatever it is in Skyrim moments before I used the WWBM(tm)!

We're on the Throat of the World still, and I'm basically taking part in what that stone fresco within Sky Haven Temple was talkin' bout.  The Warriors Three  Ancient Nord heroes are gathered to fight off Alduin, moments away from using 'Dragonrend'.

Cornered, like an angry kitten. An angry 50ft long scaled kitten.

The three heroes of old use 'Dragonrend' to push Alduin out of continuity entirely; essentially dropping him 1,000 years into the future as they were unable to handle his mess back then, with their only option being tossing this overgrown newt into a distant future so their descendants can deal (or not deal) with him.

THANKS OBAMA GRANPA.

I work out.

Having witnessed Dragonrend being used, I'm able to learn it immediately; and I have so many dragon souls saved up that hey!  I get on it right on gettin' on the right now.  ♫ But then Alduin shows up and ruins it all by saying something stupid like I want to eaaaaaaat yoooooouuuu ♫

No really.  Dragonborns are tasty or something.  Look, he just shows up and brought a dragonbreath to a vicious cockfight and I'ma let my fists do the talkin'.  They took extra AP credit in Speakin' and Talkin'.

UNTIL NEXT TIME!