Double Dragon Digest: Saturday is the new Friday.

Greetings all!  Late post is late, as yesterday a flurry of converging forces caused me to be occupied for the vast majority of the day.  I'd apologize, but I had great fun yesterday and it was totally worth it.

However, to make it up to you all, I'm gonna essentially make today a HUGEBIGLARGE post!  Hooray!  Joyous, isn't it?  I can hear your hearts all a pitter-patter with excitement; its OK.  Today's installment is pretty much the conclusion of the Clavicus Vile arc within the game, and my further adventures as a homeowner.  Lakeview Manor's shaping up!


Grand Theft Axe: Vile City

So; when we left off, I had just tore through a gaggle of vampires to get to Clavicus Vile's statue, deep within some forgotten cave.  There, accompanied by useless-but-faithful Barbas the Hobo; Vile started on about how Fate's awesome and stuff.  Those vampires?  His devout followers!  The reason they were there? Asking Vile to cure them of their vampirism.  Then, as Vile puts it: "You showed up, and provided to be a better solution than I could have ever dreamed of!".  Great.  So I just helped him out already, by killing his followers, as 'death' is technically a solution to 'vampirism'.

Moving forward, he's not too happy Barbas is there.  Mostly because he too knows Barbas is kinda shit.  He does offer me a quest though, which he says he will even wave the standard WHAT A TWIST! surprise bad ending for me at the end if I help him out, because hey!  He's kinda sick of being stuck here, in this ol' cave by his lonesome, being worshipped by sycophantic vampires.  SO: I need to get him an artifact called The Rueful Axe.  Full of Rue, or whatever.  He gave it to his most devout worshipper, so he could cure his daughter of her delusions of joining a cult.  (Coming from a Daedric Prince, this is hilarious.)  Thing is the Rueful Axe forces the dude to kill his own daughter (effectively ending her stint in that cult.)  And y'know, well; that kinda makes it DUNZO between dude and Vile.

I don't care really; if it gets me rid of Barbas, I'll punch a baby.  Straight up punch a kid in its fat cherub-like face.  So I head out of Vile's shrine, and figure I'll make a pitstop at my new digs before heading on out to get me some o' DAT AXE.

DA BEARS.

Of course.  I forgot!  Its never that easy.  Whatever, its not like these guys are particularly hard anyways.  I clear out the small but well-organized snow bear infestation immediately outside Vile's cave (Possibly drawn to the smell of freshly slain vampires, a Skyrim delicacy?)

Ain't got time for no bearnanigans!  I got stuff to do!  People to punch! Et cetera.  Quick jump home though, and I come to a sad realization:

Gotta pay the troll toll.

The moose was scaring off the troll from hangin' around my house.  Moose > Troll.  This is maths.  I cannot abide anything lolligagging on my land, so of course this new culprit just HAS to go and get git got gone.  That taken care-of, Time to head on out to get that axe.  Which of course means I'm gonna trek all over Skyrim again; which supposedly is something retarded like 43 square miles of in-game land.  Fast travel is a godsend when it can be used.  And then you find this:

Spider vs Spider ACTION!

Two large frostbite spiders, just fightin' it out.  With a tiny guard 'helping'? out one of the spiders.  Who then turned on the guard.  This is quite possibly due to those minor glitches in the code where NPC pathing gets too close to another, and their Hostile/Ally flags make it so that when they actually do eventually cross paths, they fight.  Even though the spiders don't hang out in the middle of the road at all, they must've been too close when the guard was off the beaten trail, as it were.  Imagine it to be like asteroid orbits gettin' too close to one another, and they get into this douchy "COME AT ME BRO!" fight, but in space.  with asteroids.  But its actually spiders, and a guard.   And totally not in space at all.  Yeah.

While treking through the mountains to get to the shrine where Axe-Man is at, I found a dragonshrine!

Its like Christmas in Skyrim!

These are the huge stone slabs with dragon words written on them for me to learn and add to my dragonborn shoutin' repertoire.  Also; usually guarded by a dragon.

DIS IS MAH HOUSE.

DraGOB: "I've made a huuuuuuge mistake."

Cats are immune to this shout, as they are bastards.

ANIMAAAAAAL.  Unfortunately, this does not summon Animal from the Muppets to be my faithful drumming companion.  I looked it up, and all it does is make surrounding wildlife be your friend for a bit, and protect you.  Essentially you become Ace Ventura, minus the speaking out of your butthole bit.  Moving on.

I find the dude's hideout!  Its a cave!  Caves are cool; infinitely more cave-y than in Oblivion, which kinda used the same 4 cave maps to every cave.  Mind you, that might be due to limitations in the game at that time, but these caves feel more 'alive' as it were.  Also, I'm starting to stumble onto the more powerful enemies in the game as it starts scaling up to my level.  Behold, the fire atronach.

Burn baby, burn.

Its kind of an interesting fight, as the Atronachs have elemental abilities, resistances, and different 'logic' as it were compared to the mortal enemies.  Most humanoids will ask to surrender.  Its a feint, but still.  Atronachs however will stone-cold eat a bitch and never surrender.  In fact, Flame Atronachs have a nasty habit of...

EXPLOOOOOOOOOOODING!

That's right.  When they die, they go out in a blaze of glory that would make Mr. Torgue weep tears of exploding joy.  This cave in particular was a short affair.  Just beyond the atronach was dude in question, and the axe.  A quick crack on the jaw, and he was done.

HAPKIDO! SEGAL-STYLE!

So, lets head on back to Vile, now that I have his precious bauble that he assures me will in no way cause him to rescind on his deal of not boning me hard on our deal.  At all.  Ever.

What's that I hear in the distance?  Kind of like a flapping sound...

Falkreath has a dragon problem.  In that it has a dragon.  This is a problem for any place, really.

Dragons are to Skyrim, what Oblivion gates were to Oblivion.  Except unlike the gates which can effectively be ignored aside the main quest gates, Dragon can and WILL prevent you from doing shit if you're not actively taking care of them.  Also they're fucking DRAGONS.  RAWR.

Cows runnin' scared 'cause of dragons.  Balancing ontop of a fence: check.

This guy kind of blew my mind; look at that grace and poise; the sheer skill of this cow, to be able to perform this balancing act despite a very dangerous dragon attacking the everlovin' shit out of the village.  For you cow, I shall save your tiny hamlet.  Never again will you be forced to perform your tricks in fear; but for the joy of all, but mostly the joy found within your large bovine heart!

COOL WINTAH CHILL

C'MERE DRAGON!  Ooh Frost dragon, these're new!  Sucks for this guy that as a Nord, I'm 50% resistant to Frost damage.  He didn't do squat to me other than annoy me.  And y'know, annoy this guy too.

Yeah, I'm not cleaning that up.  Sorry.

I hope this guy is dead, or doesn't care he now has a giant dragon carcass infront of his house.  'Cause I sure don't care about it.  I like to think the guard's more in awe that I'm just leaving it there, rather than seeing a dude kill a dragon bare-handed.

WELL whatever.  I'm not going to stick around for the Falkreath Homeowner's association to come yelling at me for not respecting the city code for oversized garbage left out on non-designated large collection days. Clavicus Vile waits for no ma-- well no, he's waited a whole bunch, he can keep waitin'.  Gonna take my sweet time.  Maybe go back home!  chill for a bit, even!

Settlin' down in style.

Progress on my no-longer-so-humble abode: I've turned my initial house into the foyer, built a little pen for livestock, and stables.  No sight of any further trolls or moose, so far.  Could my troubles have finally ended, at home?  Probably not.  Started construction on some beehives, hopefully will be able to wickerman some poor sap to get a good crop this year, then its off to Vile again.

GUILTY: of trying to look too much like the dude in my blog banner.  Also: vampirism.

Of course more of Vile's followers showed up, and they're all vampires again.  I'm unsure if they're vampires because of the quest itself, or this is the game adapting to the installed Dawnguard DLC, and thus populating more areas with vampires.  Its still pretty cool though.  I of course, go through them like a hot bullet through warm butter.  BLAM.

♫ Take my breath awaaaaaaay ♫

I wonder if a vampire fledgling's soft down sells for a lot on the black market.  They're like birds, right?

So.  Vile has his axe, and Barbas is there, not-yapping his head off.  I'm now worried.  I was right to be worried, because Just like Loki, Vile's offering me to change the parameters of the deal; he says I can keep the Rueful Axe, if I use it to kill Barbas.  He really hates Barbas as well, and for good reason, but still; Barbas just wants to get back with his BFF, despite Vile being a belcrico de merde.  I also think its fitting that Clavicus Vile be saddled for the rest of eternity with Barbas again, because fuck you Vile, you a dink.

Not convincing me you're not gonna backstab me at all there, bro!  Sweet dog statue though.

This is what I like about the game though; small details like that give me a sense of progression as well as affecting change onto the world around me, other than just having random villagers coming up to me and thanking me for killing that dragon that what was attacking their village.

Time to head on home, and get some rest.  Maybe stop off in Dawnstar for a pint or two, since its on the way ho--

NOPE.

Screw it.  That guy looks like he has it handled.  Who am I to interfere?  I can't always be the hero every time, and this is like the 4th dragon I've encountered today.  I'm literally swimming with dragon souls, and have no shouts left to improve just yet.  Its like having multiple personalities, except they just bicker about how you're a dick for killing them. (Note: this is not actually a game mechanic of having multiple unused dragon souls.  They don't talk to you.  They should though, and they should critisize your outfit and be catty bitches.)

Armory expansion'd.

Home sweet home.  Few more additions, notably the armory there, and some lights outside.  How they stay lit in the pouring rain?  Dunno.  But there's a noise a comin' from behind the house.  Better not be some sort of Moose/Troll hybrid...

And now: BANDITS.

So the Moose was scaring off the Troll, who was scaring off the Bandits.  Damn things were lingering around my beehives like I was just givin' away the honey!  Which I wasn't.  Ever.  Somewhat curious as to what will plague my neighborhood now that I've killed off the bandits.  Might as well do an inspection of the whole place, see that they didn't get into the garden or whatever.  Bandits are effectively like rascally badgers.

ERMAHGERD.  PATERDERS.

Che-k'n Kau

A KINGDOM FOR A HOR-- oh.  Nevermind.

Looks like everything's in order!  Its good since I've asked Lydia (My Housecarl from Whiterun, remember when I purchased my first home?) to become stewart of Lakeview Manor.  Well more like she immediately offered when she came by the place.  Probably because her room is way bigger.  I don't blame her.  I've not fully started decorating yet, but I am glad that I now have space to hang up some of my mementos and keepsakes, now.

Its like a nightlight in my bedroom, preventing me from stubbing my toe on any of the 50,000 dressers and chests I have.

Well that's it for this weekend's double digest edition!  Took us a while, but we got through it.  Next week, maybe we should go see what Delphine is up to!  Or find out about this Dawnguard nonsense and vampires! Only time will tell.

Let sleeping Daedric dogs lie their asses off.

Greetings!

Let's see; we should take a look at that ol' laundry list of exploits so-far:

• Kill dragons and other stuff with my bare hands.
• Become a homeowner.
• Eat ALL the meat and ALL the cheese.
• Do a quest for a Daedric creature, masquerading as a common dog.  In this case, looking quite a bit like an Irish Wolf Hound, the hobos of the canine world.
• Sit-ups!

Well then.  This is new.  For those not in the know; Daedric creatures, commonly referred to as Daedra, are from alternate dimensions, that exist simultaneously to Tamriel.  They can connect to Tamriel via portals, and each Daedric realm is ruled by a Daedric Prince.  Or Princess in some cases; they're never really clear.  These guys are your usual 'evil' section of deities within the game's pantheon, with the 9 divine being the 'good' versions.  Technically these guys could be Daedric in nature too, at this point it doesn't really matter.  They aren't actively attempting to fuck our shit up, so they get a pass.

BARBAS!  Scrappy ol' Barbas the talking dog.  What a cut-up! Ha Ha!  Oh it is to laugh!  He wants me to go find his master, Clavicus Vile.  Who is essentially the Elder Scrolls' version of Loki.  Which in the case of this being Skyrim, REALLY fitting with all the Norse themes and imagery.  Anywho.  As with all recurring themes in this game (And any previous incarnation of the Elder Scrolls, or Bethesda's versions of Fallout) my target location is at the ASS END OF THE GAME WORLD.  So.  Before I head out, I might as well stop off at the ol' homestead and get some suppl--

Moose caboose.

MOTHERFUCKER.  Ok, that's IT.  I am sick and tired of this moose scampering about my land, like he owns the damn place.  Next thing you know he'll get into my vegetable garden and then there's NO getting rid of him ever!  Time I take action.

I admit it; I might've overreacted a bit.

That'll teach'im.  Scamper on MY LAND?  Hell naw.  And I won't leave it at that; oh no.  No no no no.  I ain't havin' none of that shit.

Chuck Testa can get bent.

Now that my moose infestation's settled, I can get back on the road and deal with Barbas' incessant barking; dude seriously loops the barking NONSTOP.  Like a tiny yapper dog, only man-sized.

Oh and some bandits showed up on the way there.  One of them thought he'd be clever, and taunt me.  Y'know the kind; that roguish cocky asshole who always thinks he's the best there ever is and was because he can rock a leather outfit and a ponytail.

Honourable mention: Your GP or your HP.

I both love and hate ranged enemies right now; because they can really open up and pour out damage on me while I close the gap to get at them in melee; but when I do get in there, they're pretty weak and go down fast.  Also it looks really, really cool.

"To the knee, you say?  Please, tell me how that stopped you from being an adventurer."

REALLY Cool.

This move is called "Boromir's Elbow"  It's hard to perform because: Arrows.

Barbas didn't even help.  He just stared the whole time; my guess is his dog-form compelled him to chase loose arrows as if they were sticks.  The poor bandit's mage companion didn't fare any better, either!

OOOOOH!

AAAAAAAAAH!

BOOM SHAKA LAKA!

Let's get an instant replay of that! OOH LAWDY.  Barbas, keeping a silent (FOR ONCE!) vigil throughout all that.  "Yeah no; he's good.  He's got this."  Then he glitched on/in a door for about 5 minutes.  That or his Dog A.I. is so well-programmed he forgot how to get out from behind an open door for 5 minutes because LOL DOGBRAIN.

Halfway there!  I mean there's probably nothing left between me and Vile's cave-shrine, right?  Dawn's breaking, usually the worst offenders of the enemies' list kinda shy away from the sun's piercing rays, right?

Bird? Plane? Birdplane? No.  Fuckin' dragon.  Again.

It never gets easier, does it.  Back to work!  I had to run around the forest a bit and find a clearing so the horrible bastard could land and be punched.

Shouting match between Dragon & Dragonborn.

Using shouts on dragons is fun because it essentially devolves into a giant screaming match; that firebreath?  That's them talking to you.  But their voices and words are so intense that stuff just magically happens because of it.  Like the fire.  Or for some other dragons, ice.  Fus Ro Dah (used in this case) is effectively a BACK OFF!  GET YOUR OWN SANDWICH! slam in Dragonese.  It's quite effective, as it'll stop a dragon mid-shout, and knocks'em off-balance.

YOUR SOUL IS MINE.  FLAWLESS VICTORY.

See? Works like a charm.  Alright!  Just gonna climb on up this here mountain for a bit, ain't nothin' gonna stop me n--

NO ONE EXPECTS THE SNOWBEAR INQUISITION

Dude looks WAY too happy to see me.  I bet I'm all looney tunes in his eyes; just this burly T-Bone steak with arms and legs.  But now he's a mass of fur in my backpack, ready to be turned into a stuffed conversation piece back at Casa Del Dragon-Puncho.  Silly ol' bear.

15 more feet to go; HOPEFULLY NOTHING ATTACKS ME.

This whole time, Barbas?  USELESS.  He'd either get in between me and the target, or off to the side, barking his head off.  Anyways, time to enter the dark dank cave and see what more horrors lie in wait for me before I get to Clavicus Vile, Daedric Prince of hairdoos. (Commerce actually.  Like trades and pacts, but you always get screwed over.  So like a car salesman, basically.)

Vampires!  It's like Lost Boys all over again, except there's 200% less Cory action!

Vampires, or at least these ones, weren't very tough; they also seemed to look quite malnourished.  One of them even exploded into fire from being punched.  I don't think I had anything specifically to do with it, unless Dawnbreaker's magical effects are active just with it being in your backpack the whole time.  Still hadn't sold it.  Shut up.  I'm sentimental.  So yeah; magical explody punch-death for some vampires a-comin' right up.  Feelin' close now.  So close.  Few more vampires and I should be ther--

" 'SUP.  Up top, c'mon!  Don't leave me hangin'."

OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD SPIDERRRRRRRRRR.   UGH I had forgotten how much they creep me out; this one decided to dingle-dangle its ass down from the ceiling and chitter-chatter about a snow-laden stone floor to make the least amount of sound possible, but at the same time what amount of sound was produced was the most horrific thing I've ever heard.  Spiders have the sound to terrorizing ratio down cold. I didn't wait around for him to tell me what he wanted, which was probably for me to be his meal.  I gave'im 8 black eyes.  Also death.

He even has the Loki helmet.

FINALLY made it to Clavicus Vile's statue within his shrine.  He better be damn well appreciative I brought him his dog, because Barbas sure has been zero help at all; figurative and literally.  He's provided no information as to why I should even be here at all, AND he sucks in a fight.  Dang as dang dog.

Friday's edition of Geeking Out in Skyrim: Vile makes me several offers I could easily refuse, but DARE I!?


DARE I!?

The Longhouse that the Dragonpuncher built

Salutations, all!

Today's installment will contain Chills! Thrills! Following Falkreath's zoning and building code! Murder! Mystery! Home Decor!  No giant spiders, though.  Sorry to whomever keeps getting to this place by using "Skyrim biggest spider", none for you today.  Soon though!  Always gonna be some hot arachnid action somewhere along the line!

Today's piece actually deals with some of the new DLC offered since Skyrim's release last year; specifically the Hearthfire DLC.  Less about active content and questing and stuff, Hearthfire is similar to Oblivion's much maligned Horse Armor.  Its cosmetic, doesn't add much, and is really for the folks who want to have everything (I do.) and expand their immersion into the lands of Tamriel.  (I do want that as well.)  PLUS it was 50% off during Steam's US Thanksgiving sale so HOLLA FOR A DOLLA!  Onwards!


This old longhouse, with Bjorn Valhalla.

Remember one of those courriers I mentioned last week?  Well I followed up on his letter.  It was from the Jarl of Falkreath, effectively a summons; he had some business proposition, and I'm ALL about the business, so I head on over.  I figure Delphine still needs some time to sort out her plan, and I just did a big solid for one of the nine divines; so I figure I've earned some downtime, y'know?

Kind of hard to take a man seriously, when they're maxin' and relaxin' all cool like that.

Siddgeir is kind of new at the whole Jarl game.  So after a few introductions, he asks me for a solid.  There's a mine not-far from Falkreath (LIES!) that is infested with bandits.  He wants them dead.  Why?  Well they kind of welched on a deal with the Jarl, so he's none too happy and honestly would like these loose ends 'taken care of' so they can't be traced back to him.  Whatever; shady deals are bread & butter here in Skyrim, and he's offering me a plot of land to build upon whatever the hell I want, if I complete the task.

That's a fair deal for what I'm usually offered by Jarls; normally its some enchanted helmet, or a spell tome, or maybe even a magical sword; all immediately sent the way of the recycling bin, because I have no use for them.  But a house?  Man I could use a house.  The one in Whiterun is cluttered and useless to me right now.  Time to EXPAND!  So I hoof it over to Bilegulch Mine to find the place... dead.  Seems I've been here before, as there are dead bandits strewn about, most of them already looted down to their unmentionables; my fast travel marker was already lit as well.  When did I come here, previously?  I don't remember.  But hey, that just leaves the mine itself to check out!

Kinda boned if Miner 49er shows up, as I don't have a great dane companion with me.

Turns out I did one hell of a number when I was here previously; the mine itself was empty, save for the Bandit Leader, who I'm amazed didn't just outright leave the mine after all this time of being the sole representative of his gang of murdered marauders.  Some folks just don't know when to quit.  Then I decided to ram my fist into his face.  Repeatedly.

Knuckle sandwiches are for chumps; this here's a FIST HOAGIE.

The mood lighting made it kind of sad.  Kind of.  As soon as he hit the ground, I took his sword, which was enchanted with fire as a token to remember him by, and then proceeded to mine the everloving crap out of the mine.  Orichalcum Ore out the butthole, son!  Of course on returning back to Falkreath, Siddgeir's all happy I did him his favor, and so offers me the plot of land.

For 5,000 gold sovereigns.  Ha Ha you thought it was gonna be FREE, didn't you?  Silly Dragonpuncher.  Seriously spent the better part of 5 minutes resisting the urge to Fus-Ro-Dah his smirk off of his face; but with all those spoils from the bandit and the mine, that price isn't that bad.  Also selling pretty much everything I find helps keep me rolling around in gold coins like I was Scrooge McDuck.  Oh man, Bethesda; anthropomorphic duck-people in next Elder Scrolls game.  go go go go.

Having a bit more cash leftover from raiding the countryside of 'evil do-ers', I figure before going out and staking a claim in the wild yonder its... MAKEOVER TIIIIIIIIIIME.  I'm in desperate need of new threads; these Legendary Dragonbone Armor pieces are effective and all, but they don't really speak to me.  I need something more in line with my humble roots; so I fabricated the following attire.

Dragonborn Hobo.  Dog not included.  (More on him later.)

And at night:

Eat your heart out 3 wolf moon shirt. I got more moons.

I'm expecting to have 'smelly hobo furs' be trending for the upcoming winter fashion catalog.  Its hard being the Dragonborn AND such a trend-setter at the same time, but when you're gifted with such talent it would be a shame to waste it.

New threads, I head on out to my plot of land, Somethingsomething Manor, whatever.  DRAGONPUNCHERLAND!  And to my surprise this is what I find.  An empty lot with a workbench, grindstone, and a pickaxe next to some large stones.  But the most interesting bit was this:

Construction for dummies

While the book seems to insinuate you're a complete moron when it comes to building houses, it does have a bunch of 'recipes' inside it that you learn automatically by reading it.  From there-on, you're able to use the drawing table to doodle up some blueprints like you went to Architect college for 8 million years and know what you're doing.

If leaning on desks and looking pensive/concentrated were a lifeskill, I'd be a goddamn captain of industry.

Ok, so build the floor, foundation, doors, wall supports, walls, ceiling supports and finally roof.  Gotcha.  Oh I need lumber.  Where do I get that?  Local lumbermill?  Sheesh.  They rope you in with "Build your dream house!" and then forget to tell you that everything is EXTRA.  I have to make my own goddamn nails!  NAILS!  Nobody sells those, but sure enough everybody is living in a house of some sort, built with nails!  Except the guys who live in tents, I guess.  Whatever.  Until Skyrim develops Home Hardware technology where I can create a contractor account and order lumber online to be delivered, I gotta do it the old fashioned way.  With my feets and the walking and stuff.

U MAD?

OF COURSE it can't be easy.  Closest sawmill has a wee bit of a dragon problem.  What with the dragon roosting on the sawmill itself.  HEY, it's what I'm here for, isn't it.  Like some clown, here to amuse you.  But instead of balloon animals and seltzer bottles, its punching ancient wyrms and getting covered in eldritch mouth-fire.  Similar shoes, though.

I wish he'd wipe that Smaug look off his face.  Yes I went there.

Once the dragon infestation taken care of, lady at the sawmill didn't even offer a discount.  Just a "HEY! Thanks. that'll be a bazillion gold, ok?  Don't worry, we'll deliver."  AT LEAST THERE'S THAT.  Shipping and handling included?  What are you lady, the Amazon.com of Tamriel?  No, because Amazon at least has decent prices, unlike your war crime of a price system.  Guess I'll go hock more swords to afford it, but in the end, I know its worth it.  Just that hint of buyer's remorse lurking about.

My first(second) house.  Also: moose.  (More on him next time.)

Well I get the first bit of my house done; the plans then open up to being able to add in extra bedrooms (???), an armory, a garden, kitchen, greenhouse, the works.  Weird thing is now that I've built it, every time I leave and come back, there's this moose there, who bolts the instant he sees me.  Like "OH SHIT HE'S BACK." and starts scampering off for the horizon.  Its actually quite annoying, because having a moose infestation is something I cannot wrap my mind around.

It's no Malibu dream house, but it'll do for now.

Once a structure built, you can build furniture on the inside with further materials.  At this point all I had left was enough lumber for a big chest, and a cooking fire.  Baby steps.  Then I hear a ruckus outside; better not be that damn moose again!

Heidy-ho, Necro-neighbour!

Oh good its just my next-door neighbour, a necromancer.  Wait.  Yeah sorry buddy; the homeowner's association (Me.) doesn't look too kindly on the dark arts of bending the very mysteries of life and death to your whim. (You.)  So we're gonna have to take action.  (Violently.)

OOH!  RIGHT IN THE REAGENT-POUCH!

Mean?  Yes.  Oh my very much yes.  Effective? Also yes.  One's ability to cast is severely hindered when you've just received a steel-toed boot to the soul gems.  Suddenly, somatic and verbal components kind of don't matter anymore.  In other news, the place next door is free for anybody who'd like to move in!  Previous owner has departed for greener pastures.

What a busy day; After all that building and nut-kicking, I took a breather over in Falkreath, and figured I'd go see if there wasn't anything I could do to take my mind off of my house-related thoughts.  Turns out the blacksmith lost his dog!  Hey, finding a lost dog, that sounds pretty easy.  Walk in the park! With a dog! Ha Ha!  Y'know, then this happened:

If you tell me I'm "the Hand chosen by the Master", dog I'ma kill you.

So yeah, that happens.  Next installment (Wednesday!) the time me and this dog go about doin' thangs!


Comments/Requests/Litigations/Etc leave'em below!

Are you there Meridia? Its me, Dovahkiin...

Bit of news: a friend of mine (Sir Lord Regent of Whitehead) over at Eurogamer's reviewed the latest Skyrim DLC, Dragonborn; its supposedly really good, however won't be released on PC/Steam version until early '13.  Bleh.  Read his review here!

With that out of the way, onwards gentle reader! Meridia's quest won't complete itself!  (I tried.  I just sat there, and shit didn't do NOTHIN' by itself.  So disappointed.)

The Meridian Candidate

Last we left off, I had just beaten up the entire pirate population of Solitude's northern shores.  Bad for the environment?  Not really, there's no shortage of Bandits, Highwaymen, and Thieves.  Also pirates populate like rabbits, and I'm pretty sure I left at least two alive so they could spread news of my campaign of tyranny on their kind.

Off to the Temple of Meridia! (Not really named that.) Of course, like everything in this game, its' at the ass-end of the world opposite where I am.  Shortest distance being a straight line, this time it took me through so me mountainous ranges, and I witnessed something I haven't seen in forever...

Sneaux.  A-lee-kee-bewm-bewm-nam.

It's December 7th, we still don't have any here in the Maritimes.  In fact, my A/C unit is still in the livingroom window.  This isn't because its warm outside, but because I'm very lazy.  Also its warm outside.

So going up and over the mountain range was probably three times as long as going around, but I had one hell of a view, and even a race with a mountain goat; I won because I FUS RO DAH'd his ass off a cliff.  Meridia's temple is actually a large sprawling building carved directly into the mountain side, but is locked from within.  Bullshit.  So I had to hoof it over to this here statue/shrine combo.

50/50 chance of gaining either the Varia Suit, or a giant boulder chasing after me.

Put the beacon back into its' pedastal?  Simple enough.  I mean nothing weirds gonna happ--

HALP.  HAAAAAALP.  SOMETHING IS PROBLEM.  GRAVITY STAHP.

We could've done this on the ground you know.

I'll give it to Meridia though; as much as teleporting me a mile up in the air was for show, its also incentive; She basically doesn't give you a choice in restoring her temple to functionality.  Well she gives you a choice, where the choice is do as she says, or take the express way back down.  Also she doesn't even specify what's wrong with her temple, other than one of her old followers went inside, and locked all the doors.  So I'm tasked with opening all the other doors on the inside, and finding Milkyway. Mandalore. Malkoran, that's it.  Malkoran.

Crystal soccer ball refracts light at perfect angles AND is a key.  SMART.

So through Meridia's bullshit Deus Ex Machinae (Literally this) she unlocks the outside door into the temple of Kilkreath.  From there-on, her illumination would only be able to guide me, not protect me.  Presumably because she can't protect SHIT, as the place is FILLED with these:

More like Dessicated Corpse, amirite?

And that's it.  I stumbled over at least TEN of those, moving from section to section within the temple, eventually finding a pedestal to raise yet another soccer ball to bounce the lightbeam off of; results were a door opening / bridge lowering into place or some other impasse being removed from my way.  Easy.  Too easy.  I've got my guards up, even if the effect is pretty cool-lookin'

Reflection of light givin' me dat priaPRISM.

OK that was a bad joke.  Moving on.  Yet another glowy ball, another room, SNORE.  I've done these switches like 4 times already; and haven't hit a single goddamn thing so-far.  WHY Meridia was even worried, I'll never know.  Here let me just open this door here and--

NSHAJDBIDAJ BNADLADNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH

GET AWAY
GET AWAY
SHOO SHOO

Oh god that thing just pops out of the fucking ETHER at you!  And they make NO SOUND until they're right ontop of you; but when you CAN hear them, its a mix of this whispery raspy breathing, skeleton clattering, and maybe an infant weeping.  That might've been me, I'm not sure.  Look, I was terrified and I might've overreacted a bit.  Suffice to say I immediately recanted my statement about Meridia being a pushover, because these guys (Presuming they're the leftovers from all of those desecrated corpses lying around earlier, as the armor seems to match) are TOUGH.  I mean hardened criminal tough.  They wouldn't shed a tear even if their nanas died.

JUBILEE POWERS: ACTIVATE!

Healing myself from the damage they caused served only in angering these shades even further.  But they were nothing compared to Mac-at-nite. I mean Macedonia. Malkoran.   That guy.  As a Nord, I recieve 50% Frost resist as a passive stat; Nords are hardy and beefy natives of Skyrim, so they're used to it being colder than a yeti's dick.  You'd think this would come in handy against Malkoran, a mage who uses ice spells as his weapon of choice.

Pulling punches, in that I've pulled back too far from my target.  Fuck.

So my first (And several other) attempts at Malkoran ended like this, not too shortly after my initial full-on frontal attack.  Because that's how I do it; Skyrim-style.

So frequent an occurrence for this fight, just click on this one image like 8 times.

I kissed that floor so many times; Malkoran's magic is either BULLSHIT or BULLSHIT I can't tell.  Because he'd launch this giant blizzard orb my way, and I'd effectively just DIE right there.  Eventually, I managed to used my environment to my advantage, when he began casting.  (See: I hid behind the pillars like a little bitch)  It was quite fruitful.

OH MAH GAWD.

STONE COLD

STUNNAH

Those giant glowy blue things stuck inside me? Ice spikes.  They work similar to arrows in that if shot by some they protrude outwards and look all boss.  No wonder I was dying; I look like I messed with a frost giant or something.  Watching Malkoran skid a few feet face-first on the ground was very satisfying.  Unfortunately that moment was fleeting as this bullshit happened:

ROUND TWO MOTHAFUKKA.

This is where Bethesda's legacy kicked in for me in a beneficial way, actually.  The shade glitched onto some of that stone slab's geometry, and was unable to attack me.  So after you know, healing myself from the brink of death's door there on account of the ice magic, I was free to approach this new situation head-on.

That didn't work.  Why? Because the shade was glitched.  punching him was doing no damage, despite connecting with the target.  FUS RO DAH'ing the target clear of the ledge wasn't working either, as the shade just kept jittering about the same small patch of floor, stuck within some sort of invisible box.  Can't use a weapon, can't use magic...  Only course of action?  Dragon fire shout.  Yes, this might seem like cheating on the challenge a bit, as this shout does cause a moderate amount of damage, and is a ranged attack.  I usually stick to FUS'in, since that doesn't cause any damage (unless you knock them off a cliff), just knockback.  However, it was late, and I wanted to just get it over with.  So I proceeeded to firebreath this guy once every 30 seconds (internal dragonshout cooldown), chipping away at his health.  and I do mean chip away.  I yelled at him for about 8 minutes before he died.

Victory!  I place the final beacon, having completed my quest for Meridia.  Immediately she teleports me out of the dungeon, says that she had observed me for a long time and was confident I would be the one to finally rid her temple of blah blah blah the standard diety speech.  For my troubles, I am rewarded with Dawnbreaker!  HELLS YEAH!  DAWNBREAKER!  What's a dawnbreaker?

A sword that causes explosions.  Meridia you bitch.

Of COURSE the item is awesome but there's no way I'm allowed to use it because of the whole punching things in the face.  Guess I'll go get my 740 golds' worth out of it.  Maybe keep it as decoration for my house.

Speaking of: Next week's Geeking Out in Skyrim.  That time I bought/built a house, and pissed off my neighbours in the process!