Gleaming the Dwemer-Cube: Falmer's Market

Greetings, sportsfans!

It's that time again; Monday morning, you're just in to work/class/not-a-job, and have to sift through all those emails/social media posts/reddits, and y'know what I don't blame you.  I'd rather be fishing as well.  But that's OK, we're here now, lets have some coffee and start our day off RIGHT.

So, Gunmar has tasked me with dispatching an errant vampire, masquerading as a lowly pilgrim searching the Skyrim countryside for wayshrines to pray at.  More like prey upon.  Thing is?  These vampire folks are tricksy; they can cloud peoples' minds and coerce them to hurt you.  So I have to be discreet about it, if I don't want to tarnish the Dawnguard's reputation.  Which is already shaky at best right now.

Portrait of a bloodsucker

I'm not usually one for ruse or guile, and have not invested any points within the Speech tree at all.  So this'll take a whole lot of luck.  At a time like this I somewhat miss the old Oblivion dialogue wheel where you could cajole & sweet-talk your way into someone's good graces; or just buy them out.

No funny stuff?  Well there goes my 5 minute balloon animal musical number.

So-far the "come with me, we'll defeat monsters!" ploy has worked.  He does seem hesitant, but he follows me to the outskirts of town behind a few abandoned and destroyed houses.  Only two scenarios start like this.  Horror or Porno.  And he ain't my type.

Not sure if want.

Sumbitch is TOUGH.  He doesn't look like much, but he's got the gumption to keep at it, and is pretty good with that blade.  However my spirit is strong; and my body stronger.  Ultimately, the predator becomes the prey.  Get me out of this stinkin' hole, Billy.  I am a broke-dick dog.

If you kill a vampire in the tundra with no city guards around to see it; do they still tell their arrow story?

This task for Gunmar is also directly next to the main meat & potatoes of this Dawnguard DLC; I'm to find the Blood and Dragon Elder Scrolls, so Mr. Moth Priest can read them and further get the info about Serana's kin and their dastardly plan.  Where would I find an Elder Scroll, or at the least information about one?

COLLEGE.

The mage's college of Winterhold, to be specific.  Which is where Mr vampire was hiding out!  Convenient!

WHAT is the weight of an unladen MY FIST IN YOUR FACE!?

I charm my way through the 'intiation' which is lame and involves lighting signal fires with magic.  Whatever poindexter I'm not here to learn how to shoot lightning out of my ass, I'm here to talk to your utmost scholarly expert on Elder Scrolls you got.

That expert is an Orc who's trying to 'drink' bread.

Great.  Pappy smell-butt here is the foremost Elder Scroll expert Skyrim has.  He's given me no real help other than to find the other foremost expert who came before him, and was driven insane by their work on Elder Scrolls in general.  Great.  Just great.

A room with a view to a kill. (PUNTASTIC! x5 Tricky!)

Oh look; is that a window with a majestic view of Winterhold's cliffs?  Is that your favorite goblet and personal bottle of fine cyrodiilic aged cheerwine?

FUCK. YO.

SHIT. SON.

You want that shit back?  Its at the bottom, go fetch.  I'm gonna go swim out through the ice floes to find the crazy dude you recommended me, because my life as Dragonborn isn't nearly filled with enough crazyfolk as-is you gigantic asshat.

Why do I feel like MacReady right now...

So Crazy-guy lives inside a glacier out in the middle of nowhere.  Gee I wonder wh--

Ancient dwemer rubik's cube.  BRILLIANT.

Turns out he found the thing a decade ago outside; and after consistently tinkering with it, he got it to work.  Once.  And then it melted into the glacier and so he had to dig down into it to further his studies.  Which involves me taking a tiny version of this thing to an ancient dwemer excavation site, and having it 'read' an Elder Scroll because somehow the dwarves figured it ALLLLLLLL OUT.

If they were so smart why are they all dead as shit?

Broken dwemer artifacts; staple decoration for an ancient dwemer ruin.

Whew; those things look scary.  I'm glad they're broken and none of them are ali--

So scary, I randomly ate ingredients in my backpack out of fear.  Yes I ate vampire dust.  Its gross.

Smaller than the frostbite spiders out in the real world, these guys are chugging metal deathmachines that some can shoot lightning out of their faceholes.  They are susceptible to punches though.  That's good to know.

Wasn't aware viagra was available in Skyrim.  

Oh glitches.  It even wavered in the slight breeze blowing through the caves.  This is also the first part of the ill-fated expedition in this place.  These two were brothers.  And they turned on one another at some point.  Sucks.  Sibling cat rivalry has to be the most treacherous of rivalries.  On account that cats are assholes.

MECHANICAL MONSTROSITY!

Dwarven Spheres!  The Droidekas of Skyrim.  These guys are actually pretty cool; they unfold out of their little sphere casings, then use that bit to roll around and their pneumatic stabby arms to well; stab you with.  Stronger than a spider construct, but less fear-inducing to me.  I handle my shit, and move on.

Ominous, yet alluring.  Like a dark alleyway with a 'free kittens' sign...

Something is laying eggs down here.  Why do I feel I'm on LV426 now all of a sudden.

Clearly I'm not alone.  Also SWEET! Health potion.

More of the excavation party found; this time this guy clearly looks like he stood his ground against something; but what.  The dwarven spheres?  Maybe.  but there's a whole mess of arrows and axes, so I don't think that's the case.  Also; there were egg sacs earlier.  Last time I scienced, I was pretty sure that mechanical creatures animated with eldricht forces could not reproduce, and if they could the gestation clearly would mimic mammals.  No eggs would be involved.

So that leaves the unknown; something ELSE is down here with me.  What could it b---

Oh god it has a vajayjay for a face

FALMERS OH GOD FALMERS.  In the Elder Scrolls lore, these guys are essentially the dark elves of the world.  Except we already have dark elves in Skyrim.  These are the real deal.  They're blind albino cave dweller subrace of elfdom who over the years have devolved to a point where they are little more than chittering ghouls feeding on bold adventurers staking claims within the long forgotten dwemer holds.

They. are. scary. as. fuck.

New & Improved!  Now comes in Magic flavor!

Oh god the caster version is even more rugged.  These guys are FAST.  Not only do they dodge my power attacks, they get a whole bunch in on me, drastically reducing my healing potion count.  I overcome, but I'm gonna have to go shopping at some point.  This is ridonk.

Even more of the excavation party.  Poor gal.

I don't.  No.  Not gonna. Nope nope nope. [FILLS BAGS WITH MYSTERY MEAT]

I don't know if there's anybody left of this expedition, but it sure isn't looking good.  For them at least.  Me?  I'm fine.  Never been better.  Havin' a bad hair day, but I got this here helmet on, so nobody will notice.  Thanks for asking!

I have to go deeper underground.  Again.

Well shit.

Door's locked.  I then proceed to run around the wall, and for a good 10 minutes attempt to glitch my way up and over, when I finally realize the mechanism for lowering the gate is RIGHT NEXT TO THE GATE.

I feel stupid, but hit that switch and...

I. AM. IRON. MAN.  ♫ BREEEEOOOOOWWWNNNNNN ♫

HUGE ROBOT IS HUGE.  The game's really tossing the big guns out now.  I love a good challenge!  This guy involved a lot of running around him and punching him in the ass; his weak spot.  also the one place he cannot commit murder on me from.

I won, because I'm quicker, and I ate my wheaties that morning.

The remainder of this ill-fated expedition.

So this is what happens when you survive for this long inside an acient dwemer city.  You're driven mad.  The last two members are busy duking it out until they see me.  Where they decide to stop their feuding for just long enough to kill me.  Sad really.  I offer them their final release, sending them to Sovngarde as champions for they died in battle.  Then I take the elevator down into the even deeper depths.

I don't think we're in Whiterun anymore, Barbas.

So it led to this giant and I mean GIANT underground system of caverns filled with huge glowing mushrooms, lakes and other phosphorescent fungi, as well as what looks to be a whole ancient dwemer kingdom, complete with a castle and surrounding hamlet.  I actually find a quest here to research red Nirnroots, but that'll be for another time.  Seriously this place feels like an entire section of content.  But first things first: Elder Scroll shenanigans.

Dwemer optometrist contraption?

The puzzle here isn't that puzzling.  Put the cube into the machine; check.  Press each button repeatedly until it 'locks' in the correct place; check.  Have the information of the Elder Scroll contained within large machine put onto cube for easy reading; check.  BONUS: pick up Elder Scroll while at it, since it's just there for the taking.  Hooray!

Now back to the crazy guy.  He's pleased as punch for sure, but now says I need blood to work the thing.  He can do it, he just needs blood from every elven race ever.  Plus orcs blood.  Why?  because I don't know.  He's crazy.  Whatever sure.  I need this to stop vampires and they want all the blood ever; so a little sacrifice for the greater good and all that.

What the; oh noes, a cthulhu!

Eeew.  I need an adult.

This tentacle wall is trying to recruit me to its cause of chaos and nonsense once I unlock this dwemer lament configuration.  I told it "No." only because it gave me the heebly jeeblies, and went back to Fort Dawnguard to tell Gunmar the job was done.

While there, I figure why not try out this 'Falmer Armor' I found off those dead falmers I killed and stuff.  Maybe it looks cool, y'know?

KSSSSSSSS!

So I look like a giant cockroach now.  Eew.  I'll save it for later, maybe.  As much as I want to wear it since its better than my current Dawnguard threads, I don't know if I can handle looking that.


UNTIL NEXT TIME!

Arkay Asylum: Cult of Personality

Greetings, my lovelies!

When we left off, I had mentioned cults.  So here's where we are: at Fort Dawnguard, Isran's flunkies Gunmar and Sorine believe that we're still ill-prepared for the ultimate standoff with the vampires; we need the help of a zealot by the name of Florentius Baenius.  Florentius is a devout man of Arkay, and is also quite Banana Sandwich inside his brains.  Great!  He'll fit right in.  Except I shouldn't tell Isran, as the man hates Florentius.  

To be fair, Isran hates everyone.  

Onwards!  I'm told that this here abandoned tower houses an evil vampire, who's enslaved many vigilants of Stendarr; not too vigilant are they now.  Not only that, this is where they're keeping Florentius!  First things first though; time to take care of the doorman.

"Cauldron burn, cauldron bubble, I just conjured up some trouble!"

Poor guy summoned a skeleton, and with 1 punch I sent it back to the spiraling nether from whence it came. Then I sent this guy there too.  Maybe the next conjurer I meet will pull HIM out of the magical aether!  Anywho; dungeon-delving time.  Lets see what's in the basement of these rui... 

Home decor by Jason Voorhees.

Blech.  The place is strewn with bodies and gore.  So-far it seems that whoever decided to take over this place tore through the bandits who were occupying it at the time.  I mean that literally.  Bandit-bits everywhere.  bandbits.

Creepy tree next to a deathtrap.  Great. Wonderful. 

Still haven't found anybody yet, and I'm simply progressing deeper into the basement levels of this tower, and it gets weirder and weider and grosser and grosser.

Starting to see almost as much blood as in a Dragon Age game.

I'm starting to wonder of Sorine and Gunmar aren't just trying to get rid of me now.  The only living soul was that crazed magician outside cookin' his squirrel hobo stew or whatever, and I think he was more a casualty of war, than an actual participant in the vampires' plan.  I will however, soldier on.

Please remove your shoes before entering the defiled chambers below.

Quentin Tarantino as a vampire lord?  How else can I explain a stone closet filled with boots and blood.  At this point I've gone through rough natural caverns, dug out mine shafts, and now what seems like ancient Nord draugr crypts.

ACTIVATE!

Of course that's what it does.

Eventually the fires die down, and I manage to get to the door.  What's beyond?  Oh just a Draugr Deathlord.  No biggie.

Ugh, a Deathlord. What a Draugr.  Get it?  Enh? Enh?

No Florentius.  However, letter ABOUT Florentius, from one vampire to the one who used to live here, to bring Florentius elsewhere for safer keeping; seems a pesky interloper by the name of Ge'ek Outt has began meddling in their affairs.  This of course angered the vampires in question, so they hightailed it to their secluded hidey-hole.

"This Dragonborn looks JUUUUUUUST RIIIIIIIGHT."

And this is where the game kicks it into overdrive.  No longer content to simply generating ONE angry cave bear between me and my objective, hey how about THREE.

2 Spiders. 1 Wolf.  I'M SORRY.

Of course that's followed immediately with two frostbite spiders, and a wolf.  I'd say what's next, a dragon?  BUT THAT HAPPENED ALSO.  I eventually manage to get to this cave filled with vampires and what appears to be: mind-controlled Vigilants of Stendarr.  </Sadface>

I'm a stealth master, as long as I'm nowhere within earshot or sight of a normal human being.  I am Batman.

This'll be... pleasant.  These guys are actually pretty rough; usually they fight off Daedra with a combination of martial prowess, and magical arsenals.  Magic is, for a lack of a better word right now, my bane.  Maybe I should start enchanting my gear with resists...  Maybe later.

Sorry man.  You're in the way.

Their barriers are tough, but they don't mitigate ALL of my damage.  Going is slow, but I've a feeling I can power through.

VIVA LOS BATTLE-SHOVEL!

Unfortunately, it cannot be used as a weapon.  I'd consider breaking my No Weapons embargo if I could use the shovel as a weapon.  Really.  I'd do it.  I'm pretty sure Siskoid would agree.  However, these Vigilants are starting to pile up now; I guess I'm gonna have to get creative to take care of them all.

Just like when John McClane lights the jet fuel at the end of Die Hard 2: Unrealistic representation of accelerant being  ignited

I tossed a lit torch on the ground where it JUST SO HAPPENED to land where there was a thick lamp oil slick and I don't know, fire and oil DO mix.  It counts as suicide for them if they just stand there in the fire, right?

BAD DOG

OH SHIT THEY HAVE DOGS.  TRAINED ATTACK DOGS.  THESE GUYS MAKE WOLVES LOOK LIKE CHUMPS!  AAAAAAGH!

"Put up ya dukes!"

Well hello there!  Lady, I'm so pumped to have a friendly round of fisticuffs with you, because a ladywoman who goes the extra mile to meet me halfway at the art of pugilism is SEXY.  Ladies, the key to my heart is simple.  Call me on my bullshit and step up.  I -love- a challenge.  Also nudes.

However you're possessed, so y'know.  Goin' down.

"Open the hatch, the airplane's coming in for a laaaandiiiing"

"BREEEEONNNNRRRRRR!"

I don't think she appreciated that.  Well I'm not sure; she's dead.  So y'know.  No time to give her a proper burial however; the master vampire is near!  And he's PISSED!

VAMPIRE USED: LEECH SEED.  ...IT'S NOT VERY EFFECTIVE!

My Dawnguard armor is cutting 25% of his overall damage right now, which is amazing as its letting me wail on his face like nobody's business right now.  One dead master vampire, and I'm 35 gold richer, as well as armed with a key to a cell... but who's cell could it be?!

I've been doin' pretty bad on the ignoring deities recently, so you might be right.

Florentius is 50% Cashews Planters Mix nuts.  He's however SUPER HAPPY I did exactly what Arkay told him I'd do.  So for a God who knows I'm the real deal and the complete package, Florentius says Arkay is still iffy about me?  Whatever fool, I just saved you from being vampire food.  Get back to Dawnguard keep.


And that's it for this installment!  What's next!?  WHO KNOWS!  (I do.  Me.  I know.)



I leave you on this wisdom from the in-game loading screen tips:

Tested it.  Legit.

Like a Moth Priest to a Flame: More like... Elder Trolls

 Greetings and salutations once again!

Last we left off, Isran and Serana were getting acquainted.  And by that I mean they were politely declining from killing one another in my presence.  How precious!  Gunma has something for me to do, but he's not quite ready yet; so he sends me off to see Sorine who, I'm told, has a plethora of tasks for me to help out on.  Helping is fun.  Its' where I'm a viking!

Isran also has something for me to do; and after discussing it over with Serana, (see: yelling) they decided we need to find out what's on Serana's Elder Scroll.

Now for the uninitiated, Elder Scrolls are the moviepooper.com of Tamriel.  They're spoiler-sheets galore of stuff that will pretty much happen to everyone and everything.  Problem is, these things are pretty much unreadable to the untrained pesants.  So we need a Moth Priest.  Moth Priests are dudes who spend their entire lives training to read the Elder Scrolls correctly, and not have their minds BLOWN (literally) when they attempt it.  See, with that much raw potential swirling on an Elder Scroll, your mind can be pretty much zapped with so much information, you die or go crazy or both.

Sucks, I know.  For the sake of game mechanics however, there's a rumor 'round town that a Moth Priest was sighted near Dragon's Bridge or some other bullshit hamlet.  TALLY HO!

But then: bandits.

If you wander 'round Skyrim and get robbed by brigands, you're gonna have a bad time.

 Bandits dealt with.  At this point in the game (So-far I'm around level 27/28 in these screenshots) Iron/Hide Armored Bandits attacking me with worn bows and rusty daggers do little to stop my progress.  In fact I'd say they do nothin' at all. (Nothin' at all!  Nothin' at all!)

LOOOOOOOOOOOVE MEEEEEEEE

 Spiders however, still scare the shit out of me.  I have a tenuous respect and healthy fear of a creature with as many limbs as eyes, and venom potent enough to strike down a man twice my size and in ten times as better shape.  However this is Skyrim; and beating up spiders twice my size is largely cathartic and empowers me to get over my fears.  Something like that.  Anyways!  So I find out that our Moth Priest IS indeed touring Skyrim, lookin' for that sweet sweet Elder Scroll trim.  He's gonna oggle them scriptures like a 13 year old stumbling on his dad's old Playboy stash behind the paint thinner in the garage.  However he's been priestnapped by vampires because they're dicks and probably have the same idea we do.  Though they don't have an Elder Scroll.  OR DO THEY (Mystery!)

The mushroom patch says 'cozy' while the skewered, flayed, and burnt corpses say 'nuke this place from orbit.'

Charming, I'm sure.  I mean vampires don't mess around do they; they're making a statement here.  "Don't mess with us."  OK.  Fine.  Here's my counter-statement.  I'm gonna mess regardless.  And you'll regret it.

Subterranean realestate should be a promising venture by now.  Its' a buyer's market they say!

 Deep inside the cave, I stumble upon... ruins!  Always with the ruins.  And some weird glowy henge-like formation in the distance.  If games taught me anything, the more it glows, the more important it is.  So I should punch it a whole bunch first and ask questions later.

SWEET FIREY DEAAAAAAAAAAATH

 Well that didn't go as planned, what with the dying and all.  Back to the cave entrance as my last save, I plow through the redundant skeleton forces left as guards, and finally get to the asshole who grilled me bad moments ago:

Malkus rockin' the Ice Cock look.  Blech.

 So Malkus, a masterful vampire and former orc in his own right; is dead-set on making me into a rotisserie chicken.  Suddenly, as I'm punching him, Serana shows up and fires those ice shards into him.  (And one into me in the previous picture.  THANKS SERANA.)  Like she wasn't invited, but OK.  Whatever.  Malkus goes for the eternal dirtnap soon enough, and I can take a few moments to tend to some severe burns.

Magical forcefields oscillate on the skrillex wavelength, because all they do is go "wubwubwubwubwubwubwubwub"

 Moth Priest Get!  Good ol' Dexion Evicus, from the Empire back in Cyrodiil.  He's all about being saved, but when I told him we had an Elder Scroll to read?  THAT is when his little Priest-dick got HARD.

See, Moth Priests train all their lives, right?  Well what they don't tell you until its too late, is that the more you read an Elder Scroll, the more you go blind.  Like straight up blind, your eyes don't work.  But the better at reading an Elder Scroll you get.  And like you gain the knowledge of knowing when your final reading will be, and the scroll itself lets you know this, but is Good Guy Scroll because it gives you that final warning so you can prepare yourself to get a sweet boost of knowledge before going batty.

Whatever, they're not my eyes; read away, Poindexter!

"Oooh, miss Firedas!  Tasteful, yet enticing!"

 Standard prophecy nonsense.  We need a McGuffin (Auriel's Bow.) to defeat the ancient evil.  (Serana's dad, most likely.) Because why?  WELL the scroll says that the vampires have found a possible way to block out the sun.  In an easier way than Mr. Burns did on the Simpsons, too.  Which would be really bad for everyone because vampires and sunlight; even though I've been traipsing around Skyrim with Serana in tow under harsh sunlight and she's FINE.  Let's take a closer look, shall we?

'So all religious nonsense is made up!  HA! Atheism!' - Ricky Gervais or some other tired Carlin quote.  Whatever.

 Sonofabitch is just making it all up!  I mean clearly its not that I'm too stupid to read an Elder Scroll, and if I really attempted to, my brains would shoot out of my ears at an alarming pace.  Whatever.  I'm gonna go see what Gunmar is up to.

Gotta pay the troll toll.

 What. I don't.  What.  Gunmar,

I'm tempted to take one into battle with me; maybe ride him as a faithful steed (You can't.  I tried.  The troll wasn't too pleased either.)  So Sorine tells me that some bandits have stolen some crossbow schematics she had once, and despite being a mechanical genius and medieval engineer in her own right, studying ancient dwarven relics to reverse-engineer their stuff to better our chances against the upcoming vampire onslaught; she absolutely CANNOT remember how to optimise her doohickeys, without the plans SHE drew up in the first place.  OOPS!  Butterfingers!

So whatever, fine.  I'll go hunt down your silly drawings.  First stop: Riften.  Its the closest town and I need supplies.  As I enter the town, I'm greated with the distant din of a really epic battle.  By the time I run over to the merchant's quarter, its over.  However this:

I used to be a vampire like you; then I took an arrow to the GERK, I AM DEAD.

 God bless you, random town guardsmen; you're finally leading by example.  Don't let no sassy vampire mess go about your town like they runnin' thangs.

I don't know what hurt worse: the fact that I hit her so hard she's bleeding from the spine; or that it looks like I've tore her head off, bare-handed.

 Its ok folks; I do not condone violence against women.  In fact I am a big softie who loves all the ladies in my life, and would never harm them intentionally.  Unless they became part of the undead, including but not limited to the following:

• Vampire
• Zombie
• Mummy
• Ghoul
• Ghast
• Lich/Demi-Lich

If that happens, they know the drill; destroy the brain to make sure.  I mean at that point they chose their lot in life.  Unlife.  Whatever.  A little birdie told me the bandits aren't far away!  So I set off to flush'em out of their little hidey-hole.

DA BEARS

 Banditry and Highwaymanship must've been a very popular course at college in Winterhold; because everybody took it.  Also their teachers must've sucked, because these are the most inept marauders I've met so-far.  I've seen arctic wolves formulate better plans than these dunces.

Gon' drop you guuuuuurl like a ton'a'bricks!

4 minutes, major penalty, checking into the barrels on #01 Ge'ek Outt.

 Schematics: GET.  Sorine's quite happy with the results, and even gives me a free crossbow.  I sell it back to her immediately.  Before I go through a few rounds with the Dawnguard, I figure now's the best time to stop home and see what Lydia's been doing with all my money, now that I've told her she has run of the house.

"I really wish my brother George was here."

So... she decided to hire a bard.  Poor gal.  Trained to fight as a shield-maiden, all she does is sit around my mansion, eating my sweetrolls, and dusting my trophies in the trophy room, and resenting that I have a children's room but do not have kids.  I'M JUST NOT READY YET, LYDIA.  OK!?  QUIT PUSHING ME.  STOP EMOTIONALLY SMOTHERING ME WITH YOUR NEEDS OF A STRONG STAY-AT-HOME THANE.  I'M A LONER DOTTIE LYDIA.  A REBEL.

Next time: I break up a cult, overtaken by another cult!  Cultception!

Comments/Requests/Flames leave'em below!