Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Tyin' up ends tighter than the Raiders' offensive line Pt. 1



I know, I know.  It's been a while.  I'm terrible, and the worst, and a double-Hitler.  I love you too.  Without going into details too much, 2014's been a shitty year so-far and I've had to sideline a few things to keep a hold of what's left of my sanity, powering through the worst of it.

Skyrim will be shored up soon enough; so I'm going to have to rename the blog to something more all-inclusive!  I know this is all very passionate stuff, that all of you, my loyal fans are waiting with baited breath to hear me discuss at length.

Yeah baby, how you like dem re-branding scenarios.  Uunnnnh girl, you wanna revitalize my key performance indicators while I maximize my forward-facing image?  Alright enough I sound like like my Marketing class back in college.

SKYRIMS.  AWW YISS.  It's only been like 3 years since this shit's been out, so LETS FINISH IT, SHALL WE?

Majestic as FUCKBALLS, amirite?

Awwwwww yeaaaaah.  Cold heart of mothalovin' WINTER.  ETERNAL GODDAMN WINTER.  I type this as its like 30°C outside with 500% humidity so it feels more like FUCK YOU °C.  Because we are all meat-puppets made to suffer within our terrible slowly-rotting fleshsacs.  MOVING ON.

"And I call this game I made... RISK.  Pretty sweet huh?"

Galmar's all "Alright, we're goin' for the head honcho now.  GET YOUR ASS TO MAHS."  But by Mars he means Solitude; what's wrong with you.  Keep up will ya? Solitude's the seat of the Empire in Skyrim, and the major thorn to the Stormcloak's rebellion.  So fuck it.  Time to go annex some Jarls and their holds.  POLITICS, MOTHERFUCKER YEAAAAAAAAAAH

"If you see something that's not-on-fire, make it on-fire."

Well that's rather straightforward of you, Ulfric!  Also bravo for being a leader who's not afraid to get in there and mix it up!  As xenophobic and frankly straight up RACIS U RACIS you are, it is somewhat refreshing to see someone put their money where their mouth is, and go to task.

I just wish your task weren't to be a complete dickbag.  Oh well, the others are worse.  Having played through Elder Scrolls Online (Part of why this place went unattended for a while!) I can tell you the Aldmeri Dominion are cocks now and even back then when like Alduin was first time-shunted from the past into the present, or whatever.  I hate them and they can all die in a fire, I don't care call the cops.

"Good job on that everything-on-fire task I gave you."

So Solitude's on fire, I've gone through pretty much every guard in the whole city that didn't have the good sense to leave well enough alone and get outta dodge before the fightin' done started and... Tullius shows up.  Looks like he wants to talk.  Maaaaaaaaaaaan I just lit everything you've ever loved ON FIRE and even possibly screamed a few of your friends and children off of Solitude's parapets into a icy watery grave below if they're lucky, or had their bodies broken as they smashed onto the rocky shoreline, to be fed upon by mudcrabs and vultures.

SURE let's talk.

Et tu, Fruit-Brute?


Tullius' talks are little-more than wanting to get a death-soliloquy in before he's off'd.  Which is OK, he deserves it, but mentions that he's AWARE that the Aldmeri Dominion are the true evil driving force behind the Empire, and that he doesn't love them at all.  WELL HE SHOULD'VE DONE SOMETHING ABOUT IT.  Hate on Ulfric buddy, but Ulfric got shit DONE and kicked y'all out of his goddamn backyard.  Imperials are the worst.

*Final Fantasy Victory Music*

SOLITUDE-GET.  This is essentially where the 2nd of the two main plot-lines from the standard game ends; with Alduin defeated and the civil war ended, I'd be left with an open world sandbox game to go fart around and do randomly generated quests for loot forever and ever and get to level A BEEEEEEEEEEEELYON.  Or whatever.  That's dumb.  You're dumb!  NUH UH!  Good thing those dragonpriests earlier went and attacked me openly in Riften or some shit, time to get to Solsteim and fffffffffffffffffffuck shit up.

Bonus imaginary points if you figure out which one I picked.  Like double-bonus, too.

And we're now starting the final DLC for Skyrim!  The first Dragonborn, Miraak has been essentially being a VERY NAUGHTY BOY, and is pulling a Palpatine with the whole "Join us! We'll rule the world!" OR ELSE routine.  Unfortunately for him, I don't play with others!  (Story of my life.)

"Not my job.  Shove off."

Solsteim is... less than receptive to fresh faces.  Dark Elves are the major ruling class here and pretty much do not give a shit about you unless you're bringing in a profit to their Houses.  Miraak has essentially RUINED all trade for the island however, so I'm able to use that to my advantage and leverage some dawdling bureaucrat to spill some beans.  Solsteim is home to Miraak's first ever temple!  Back when he was the first Dragonborn, and not crazed with power!  Like thousands of years about.  WOO.  Let's head there shall we?

Aaaah.  Just like home.

Somewhat dissappointing; the location is very same-y compared to the rest of Skyrim, when in Oblivion the 2nd big DLC had a completely different look to it (Shivering Isles) and with what they did for the area in ESO (which runs on a lesser engine than Skyrim, too!) Oh well.  I'm here, might as well go ahead and save the world.

The esthetics of this place scream of 'warm' and 'cheerful'.

Place is huge.  People really must've thought this Miraak guy back in the day was a big deal.  I mean you need people to build something this size.  This isn't a one-person job.  I can barely assemble a pillow fort by myself without giving up, let alone a giant temple to myself!  This is definitely a multiple contrator affair.

A wild lady approaches!

No really; she's a wildling.  Or at least Elder Scrolls' version of one.  They're essentially Nords who kept to their shamanistic and totemic ways, worshipping powerful imagery of wilderness and elements like bears, and snow.  So that's cool.  I like that.

'Sup Frea.  Wanna get to know one another better near a nice'n'warm hearthfire?  OH you're here for business?  Cool cool.  Stop Miraak's goons?  Nice!  So am I.  but moreso to stop Miraak.  'cuuuuuuuuuuz duty I guess?  Nah; I just want to punch'im in the face.  I'm not gonna lie and say I have an altruistic motive to all this.  I'm ruled by my baser urges of:

1. Punching things in the face (if they have a face; elsewhere if they don't.)
2. Eating meat (preferably red.)

Anywho; lets go in shall we?

Stairs.  Why'd it have to be stairs...

This place must be TARDIS-like 'cause I descended what felt like forever to get into the place and immediately I'm shown stairs that go up into a space I'm sure from the exterior would appear to be carved out already to make room for all those descending stairs.  This game takes some liberties when it comes to distances travelled during loading screens, but you're pushin' it here...

"Miraak's First Dragon - Age 25"

Well he's got a sense of style, at least; I too put the bones of my first dragon kill in my own house  It's not as big as this place here, but I think mine has a quaint charm to it, that invites one over for a visit, sit and perhaps even stay for dinner.  When my necromantic neighbor isn't respawning, that is.


 SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSECRETSSSSSSSSSSSSS.  Miraak LOVES Last Crusade because he's built in pretty much every trap from it into his own base of operations except for the Magic Eye(tm) bridge because that one's lame.  Thankfully I've weathered far worse traps and horrors so-far just fighting dragons and draugrs.

Nobody's gonna block THIS fire exit hort hort hort I'll see myself out.

This might've stopped the casual zombie, or a slightly determined dungeon-explorer adventurer-type, but I'm made of sterner stuff.  I know words of power in an ancient tongue that where their very utterance I can shatter a man's bones, light him on fire, or freeze him to his very core if I so choose.

Come at me, Dragonbro.


I feel like I'm in some shitty redneck circus' funhouse at this point.  I mean ALL that's missing is bendy mirrors, and a sad clown doing a jump scare at the end.  Well that's not true, there IS a sad clown, but he's the one doing the jump, because scared...  OK that one needs some work.

Just gonna grab you right through your face aaaaaaaand.... you're gone.

FINALLY some cultists.  Poor poor cultists.  Have mercy on them whichever God that is contracting them to do this shitty work, for they know not what they face.  I am DESTROYER OF WORLDS, EATER OF CABBAGES FOUND IN BARRELS DEEP WITHIN GHOUL-INFESTED BARROWS... I... really shouldn't eat produce I find in forgotten tombs now that I think about that.


Well, I for one welcome our horrible nightmarish crab-overlords.  NAH JUST PLAYIN'.  The second I see this thing, I'ma punch it in its big doofy eyeballs.

End of the line

Well there's nowhere else to go, and I'm in a domed room with only one exit: the way I came in.  In the centre there is some sort of pedestal, with a book on it.  No Miraak.  Shit.  Maybe its his dream journal or something.  Maybe a diary detailing his most private thoughts.  Mmmmm yeah.  Tell me who you got a crush on...


Shit, well it IS his dream journal, of sorts!  As Miraak's not here, I might as well read it, see what it's got to say 'bout him and his powers and stuff.  Who knows, maybe it'll be interesting!


His book has warped me to another dimension; the realm of Hermaeus Mora; Daedric Lord of secrets and general fuckery.  Remember Clavicus Vile from a while back?  That cheerful chap who resembles Loki from Norse Mythology?  Vile looks like goddamn Baldr next to Mora.  Mora's like if you took the story of "A Monkey's Paw", that severed chimp hand that grants wishes but its always twisted and whatever you wished for ends up being worse than not having wished for it?  Mora's like that.  "I wish for eternal life!" he'll turn you into a statue.  That level of shit.  But aslo steal your soul and torture it for eternity within this hellscape.

But I digress.  There's Miraak bein' all First Dragonborn, totally not keepin' his Dragonborn Privilege in check.  Like some sort of older sibling he's bein' a dick, while being flanked by his two pet octopus-ghosts?  I don't.  What.  everything in this dimension is tentacled, sickly-green, and ghostly.  And dripping.  Everything's just so wet all the time.  It's really gross.

Miraak's talking about I don't know, some bullshit about us not being so different he and I whatever.  He wants me to stop killing dragons and rather tame them so we can rule them and then the world.  I'm all "How you gonna do that from in here dummy.  We're in the dream-world or some shizz."




And so, we shall FINISH THIS in Part... DEUX!?

Stay tuned!  Comments/Likes/Subscribes/Retweets/Shares/Pies down below in the comment section, kthnx.