Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Thank you for liberating me; but your arbitrary faction-choice's advancement is in another castle!

Oh hello!

How're things?  Good good!  Adventuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure~!

Questin' questin' doodleedoo.  Galmar's got me raidin' keeps like it's going out of STYLE.  Or that it's urgent.  Which I guess it kind of is.  But after the last one, we need to step up our game!

So; Ulfric via Galmar of course, wants me to try and shake things up subterfuge-style.  Essentially we need to divert Imperial resources (army dudes) away from our resources (different colored army dudes).

Grabbin' this dude's package.  Eew.

Courrier wasn't too concerned that a very large man was kneeling at butt-level, rummaging into his rucksack for stuff.  Nobody else in the clearly-lit tavern seemed to mind that one man was at groin height, both hands firmly inside another man's satchel, rummagin' round like no tomorrow.  Good!  I like games that are progressive towards stuff like this, no matter how kinky it gets.  Kinkier the better!

I like to imagine I just crossed out one city-name in red crayon and then wrote in another.

Taurinus Dulillis Maximus Relaximus Alamagocus.  Clearly Imperial scum.  Here's your document, you dunderhead!  Go take a wrong turn in Albuquerque or whatever.  No one wants you here.

Sweet armor though.  Now that that's sorted, gonna go tell Galmar the Imperials totally fell for it.

He's got 'leaning over a table' down PAT.

Fort Snowhawk is one of those fantasy names that sound super-cheezy (because it is.) and clearly something that fits in like a George R.R. Martin book, or some knockoff high fantasy series about a smart and cunning warrior poet wizard, called I don't know; Olorin the Wise.  That sounds like it could sell a 10 novel deal on Kindle eReaders probably.

Anyways.  Forts.  Hawks made of snow.  I AM IN THEM.  And they're crawling with imperial soldiers, so I gots to get rectifyin' that.

SURPRISE!  Nice 'stache.  Buuuuuuuuuuuuuut you gon' die.


They're all napping.... yeah that's the ticket.

Fort Snowhawk: acquired.  Time to head on back to Galmar and tell'im that they can move in, but in the distance I can hear the powerful crack of leathery wings slicing through the crisp winter air...


I'VE BEEN TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN!  Downloaded and installed the Macho Man dragon-mod which turns all dragons into Macho Men, complete with soundbytes.  Seems that the mod DOESN'T like being installed along-side the Hi-Def texture pack.  That and normally the Macho men don't have wings just arms, but some effects seem to cling to the membrane-parts of the default wings, causing some artifacting to go on.

Look just for the sounds alone and the fact that its RANDY 'MACHO MAN' SAVAGE going OOH YEAAAAAAAAAH! when using shouts / dragon breath weapons, its more than worth the price of admission.  Which was free.  There is absolutely no downside to this, and I will challenge ANYONE to fisticuffs if they even deign to think otherwise.


What a breath-taking view of Fort Greenwall.  Right before I sack the shit out of it.

Another day, another grotesque use of power on hapless victims.  I'd feel bad for'em, but y'know, I was forced to choose sides.  I picked Ulfric's, and I'll be damned if I'm going to have any regrets about it.  Nope; all Imperials are garbage and need to get the hell out of Skyrim.  S'what the boss said.  So out with y'all.

Oh how quickly those numbers go down now.

Didn't take too long.  The few soldiers who run away or duck into the fort are usually finished off by the Stormcloak rabble that Galmar sends along, because he doesn't think I can handle this.  I mean I can, and they do help, as they cut down on the chasing down deserters.  Arrows are indeed a big weakness for these guys!  Not just to their knees either.

Got a horse!  Worth like; 2 kingdoms.  Maybe 3.

Lookie what I found!  Normally the NPCs just shower the area with so many arrows they kill whatever's alive in the stables, but this guy survived!  I am gonna call him Sir Reginald Mortimer VonHoofenstuffs, of the Cyrodiil VonHoofenstuffs.

And more than likely completely forget about him in 5 minutes; what do you want, my attention span is a fickle mistress!

Great job!  Here's an outfit.

Mighty nice of you Ulfric to give me some team colors!  I'll just slide these on, even though they're light armor, and of an inferior quality to the Nordic carved armor I'm wearing right now, but bear-motif!  I love the theme!  This of course appeals to me and my need to collect outfits.  My Street Fighter 4 account is GREAT SHAME but proof enough.


Why yes, those are steel claws on my knuckles, and a bear pelt draped around my head and shoulders.  No the gloves don't add to my damage, and technically as its all Light Armor I get none of my heavy armor bonuses from them, but FASHION!  I am not a fashion plate, I am a goddamn FASHION BUFFET.  All-you-can-eat ladies!  Mrrrrow.

That's all for now!  More soon!

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

A NEW CHALLENGER HAS ARRIVED! Oh and a Skyrim post, I guess!

S'been a while.  How are you?  How's your 2014 goin' ?

Me?  Oh y'know.  Ups 'n downs.  But enough about me.


Fallout: New Vegas wins!

Entire map is a sand trap, really.
To be fair: Civ5 got 5 votes as well, and although its a tie, Civ5 lends itself better as one-off posts.  I just might do some of that as well.  But all hail our new victor!

Feel free to suggest banana-crazy ways to play the game in the comment sections below.  Suggestions can be (but are not limited to)

  • Keeping to a theme: i.e. dress up and act as a cowboy.
  • Be an evil slaver bastard allied with the Legion.
  • Melee weapons only, high medical and Speech skills.
  • Shotguns, Leather Armor, Sunglasses.  "Give me your clothes, your boots, your motorcycle."
  • Playing it on that insane wasteland survivor mode where I need to drink and pee and ammo has weight.  Ugh.

Anything really.  I'm looking for a challenge this time 'round, and if there's a lot of suggestions, I'll most likely mix & match some suggestions together so that the game doesn't become IMPOSSIBLE, but still has a unique feel for the playthrough.


Back to our onions; our Skyrim onions.  Last time, we were fighting off Otar the Mad in a fevered pitch to get back to Skyrim's surface world.  Well Otar done got killed, (like ya do) and I managed to crawl out of his mausoleum-like tomb to breathe in that wintry fresh Skyrim air.  Aaaaaaah.  Drink. it. up.

Time to wrap some things up.  Delphine and Esbern have a bone to pick with the Greybeards.  In that they KNOW the Greybeards' secret: Charles Martinet Paarthurnax.  And they. ain't. happy.  Well they're dragonslayers after all.  Well not them; but their order.  And there hasn't been a dragon in forever.  Impartial as I am between the Blades and the Greybeards, the fact that Paarthurnax is a dragon is somewhat alarming.

The least I can do is go talk to the ol' guy and see what he's all about, now that Alduin's dead'n'gone.  I mean The Blades want him dead, and the Greybeards clearly want him not-dead.

"I hate Morndas." Paarthurnax is more like Garfield right now.
 Look at that dude.  Just draped over that monument like some fat lazy scaled cat.  Sunning his lizard-buns all day, like he owns the place.  Well technically now that Alduin's gone, he kinda does.  He's the most powerful dragon, alive and well, living in Paris.

"I'm good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, everybody's afraid of me!"

Well that's not reassuring, Paarthy;  I get it you've went through a redemption process, but when you phrase it like that and then add that EVERY GODDAMN DAY you struggle with your baser urges and have to daily affirm to yourself you're not gonna enslave and eat all humanity like some sort of scaled Stuart Smalley...  well I think I've made my choice now.

"Et tu, Dragonpuncher'?" Am I using that right?

Well that's taken care-of.  Now the only nigh-powerful entity walking the lands of Skyrim is... me!  Unless a Daedric Prince shows up, we should be good.

Well there's that matter of a civil war a-brewin'.  No sense in lording over Skyrim if there's nothing left to lord over.  Decisions, decisions... Do I go with the Empire?  Or do I side with the Sons of Skyrim; the Stormcloaks?

Let's break 'em down.

The Empire aren't from Skyrim originally, are from Cyrodiil (ES4: Oblivion) and essentially moved on up their military presence into Skyrim to annex it and 'protect' it.  Kinda like what a certain German dude did in a tank to Poland a bunch of years ago.*  Ultimately they're being puppeteer-ed by the Altmeri Dominion, a conclave of Elves who're just dicks all-around.

The Stormcloaks are a radical faction of Nords from Skyrim who want Skyrim back under Independent and NORD-controlled.  They favor that the Nords are the 'True Sons & Daughters of Skyrim" in some weird master-race** notion, and refuse to bow down to any other sovereign nation.  They aren't being controlled by anybody else, but they're p. racist yo.

Essentially; It's a case of the ol' Double-Hitler Switcheroo***.  I have to pick sides; the game will not let me stay Neutral in their conflict.  Well that is to say the quest line will never complete unless I pick a side.  I can essentially never choose, but the events in-game will never progress, thus completion is unattainable.  I cannot let that slide, as there's achievements to be won!  ONWARD AND...




Ultimately a tough choice; one I was attempting to avoid for as long as possible; and while I do not agree with Ulfric's 'stringent' immigration policies, I prefer it to being made a vassal state to a puppet state run by a shadow council of Elven dickholes.  Sometimes, you gotta make the hard choices.  This was one of those times.

Ruling a fiefdom while maxin' and relaxin' all cool.

Jarl Ulfric had me 'pass a test' to see if I was a true Son of Skyrim, by delving into a draugr den, and fetching a mcguffin-level token to prove my loyalty.  Whatever dude, I stopped Alduin bare-handed.  Deal with it.  Anyways now I'm a proper member of the Stormcloaks, wether I want to be or not.

Next on the list: deliver a message to the Jarl of Whiterun, who, has been essentially on the fence about siding with either faction, though mentioning that he has no love for Ulfric and would more than likely side with the Empire because they're the stronger faction.  RIGHT NOW that is.

Let me AXE you a question, chortle chortle.

Balgruuf said essentially "Thanks but no thanks" to the axe I presented him, from Ulfric.  What does this mean, you ask?  If the current warlord of a region in turmoil offers you a weapon of war, and you refuse his gift, what other meaning could it have than "PLZ WRECK MY SHIT KTHNX."

Commence Operation: WRECK HIS SHIT KTHNX at once!

So off to go and take Whiterun, I guess!  I own a home there.  Despite moving on to Lakeside Manor, I still hope my house survives the assault.  No looting, plz.  Plz plz.

Only 2 out of 3 are true; not that bad!  We didn't steal anything that wasn't ours to begin with in the first place so...

And so commences the assault on the town that I helped defend from a dragon attack oh so long ago, that helped me capture Odahviing and end Alduin's reign of terror, oh and was where I first became a homeowner.


WEERGH! Indeed!  Peek-a-boo!



And a nut-punch for good measure, why not!?

Shhhh, it'll be over soon.

Well that was fun!  Despite y'know bunch of people I knew and had come to call neighbors and friends are dead now.  Companions' Guild is still intact!  They didn't partake in any of the shenanigans so at the very least I still got them to fall back on, at least!  Positive thinking!

Capture the flag level: NAPOLEON

Galmar is Ulfric's right-hand-man.  He also wears a bear pelt he presumably killed with his bare hands.  I can respect that.  For now, I'm taking orders from him out in the wild, as we systematically take back keeps from the Imperials all around Skyrim.  Right now, Galmar wants me to head over to a fort, and evict its occupants.

2fort 2furious

It's quiet.  Eerily quiet.  Nobody's around the fort and that bothers me.  I was told it would be lightly garrisoned, but so-far there's nobody.  Maybe I'll check the stablehouse...


Wow, I've seen a few greusome murders, fueled by vengeance in my life, but this is just down-right brutal.  To leave the knife there and position the body that way?  That sends a message.  And that message was this was an imperial ambush!  OH NOES!


*: Hitler reference!
**: Hitler reference again!
***: Not an actual thing!

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Yes Virginia, there is a Dragonpuncher and he's Totes McGotes p.fresh and stuff.

F'realz.  Mufasa said it.

Now that we've established this in canon, moving on.

Sovngarde!  Oh myyyyyyy!  Such a pretty fog-filled place, like fancy Lon-don town, Enga-land!  With similar numbers of Jack the Rippers, too probs.

Onwards!  I have Elder Scrolls Valhalla to find, and stop Alduin from eating everyone in Nord-heaven because that's a dick move, Alduin!

Kodlak; shining beacon in a sea of pessimism.

You'd think that the guy for whom I cured his eternal soul of the foul stench of lycanthropy (and the indentured servitude to Hircine that came with it I might add) from oh y'know BEYOND THE GRAVE, he'd have a little more confidence in me than what he's giving.  Seriously dude, reforming your order of naughty puppies was CHILD'S PLAY.

Giant space whale bone bridge to Asgard Sovngarde?  Seems legit.
 It's like that shot of the brewery in "Strange Brew".  Just, guys, I... I need a moment.  *Sniff* I'M HOME!  Woo yeah time to--

Bouncer gonna bounce.
 Damnit, looks like there's a cover charge to get into this party, and the fee is kickin' this Thor-lookin' motherfucker's ass all up'n'down that space whale bone bridge.  Bring it on.

Droppin' sick beats, you crusty knave!
 YES!  YEEEEEEEEES!  ALL THE BEERS.  ALL MINE!  And cheese!  This place is AWESOME! I don't ever want to leave, oooh what's over there!

All-you-can-eat cows roasting on an open fire.  You'd have to be crazy to want to leave!
Huh? What?  With our voices combined?  Oh yeah Alduin.  Right right right.  Sure thing.  We'll go do that right now, so we can get back to the party!

Cleared the mist; found no gorillas, or gorillaz.  Am sad now.
 So with the original three heroes who sent Alduin from their era to mine (dicks!) we're gonna get rid of him here, in Sovngarde where he's been feasting on my ancestors' souls and increasing exponentially in power.  HOW QUAINT.

 OH SHI--- BOSS TIME!  Me 'n the Warriors Three gon' have at it!  Alduin, you're going down!

THIS ISN'T EVEN MY FINAL FOR--oh wait it is.  :C

SUCK IT, ALDUIN.  The End Times are for another day!

"So... what do we do now?" "We work hard.  We party hard."
 Hooray and huzzah!  Skyrim, and all of Tamriel really, is safe once more from impending doom and gloom!  Well at least from dragon incursions, that is.  There's probably something else waiting to crawl out of the shadows and eat me and everything I love at a moment's notice.

"I will fly you there upon my exquisitely chiseled pecs."
 OK Tsun, I've had my fill of adventure, mead, and song.  I'll come back when I'm dead, so keep the good times rolling until I get back.  I'm ready to go horm.

Tsun's ability to get you home: a bit off.
 So the big lunk warps me back;  ..inside a dungeon.  I meet Medresi, an elf.  She's looking for help to get to a treasure deeper in, and what the hell, I want to get out, right?  Might as well pick up some treasure on the way.

Mere moments before Medresi gets killed by all the ghosts 'n draugrs (SNES edition).  I'm not in my underwear, I promise.
 So... she's dead.  or gone.  Look I can't find her, and cannot be bothered to go on a rescue mission.  These draugr won't re-kill themselves and there's still all that treasure around.  Can you say no to treasure?  I know I can't!

Helpful ghost!
 So I meet up further down the dungeon path with a very helpful ghost.  Mostly helpful because he was slain by whatever big bad thing deeper-in and wants reveeeeeeeeeeeeeenge.  Sure that's fine with me buddy; because TREASURE.

Floaty swords.
 Game is now causing weaponry to just hang mid-air now, once their owner is killed.  Normally the items go scattering in arc to the ground, Skyrim's physics engine actually pretty decent, with the object bouncing and sliding under its own momentun for a bit.  Now?  sometimes things just get stuck in the air like that.

Kinda cool!  But totally not working as intended.

Otar the Mad Mad Mad Mad wooooooooooooorld dragonpriest.

Next time: we rejoin the surface world.

Friday, December 6, 2013

Dey see me pollin'; dey votin'. Try'na catch me bloggin' durty.

Greetings all!

So it dawned on me the other night as I was delecting upon the finest cheeses, whiskeys and Skyrims, that I'm nearing the end of my journey through content!  There's tons of generic quests to run through after the main ones sure, but once you get through the DLC and the Main Story, there's little to the game other than dynamically-generated dragons & fetch quests.

Which isn't bad per say, it just lacks that story OOMPH! of having to fight Alduin or getting all the Jarls to act like adults for one meeting.

SO!  I've managed to set up a poll on the blog, you may have noticed it on the right, with a slight color change too.

Essentially, I'm asking you, my adoring (and adored!) public: WHAT SHOULD I PLAY NEXT?!

The poll is stuff I have easy access to, and is opened ended enough that I can blog about.  As much as I'd like to do my Borderlands 2 experience, its not really blogworthy.  (It is however very funny I encourage you to play it.)

So; here are the choices, in no particular order of preference:

Fallout 3


Fallout: New Vegas

Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion
Patrick Stewart & Sean Bean GALORE

Civilization 5
Giant Death Robots vs. Phalanx Cohort.

I dug too deep and too greedily.

Terraria in Space, essentially.

So, those are the main 6 choices.  Please note that while I'm not against fan-submitted choices (By all means, go for it) I'm looking at what's simultaneously bloggable about, and acquirable.  These games I have or can have relatively easy access to.  So if a lot of people suggest something else that's good, I might go with that.  If one of the above games wins it, I'm also taking suggestions (REASONABLE to NOT-SO-REASONABLE suggestions) as to how I should go about my playthrough.

  • Want me to play Fallout with all my points into Melee and wearing pre-war clothing instead of armor?
  • Want me to play Civilization 5 as the Mongols, and pursue a Space Race Victory?
  • Want me to play Oblivion as a Full Plate Argonian Mage? (Metal Lizard Wizard!  PLZ DONT)

Let me know in the comments!  And drop a vote!  The poll will run until January 6th, unless there's an absolute clear winner.

Thanks again, you're all lovely and I adore you! MWAH MWAH.

What game should I play next?