Friday, January 29, 2016

Fallout 4 "IDFSG" Edition: Minutiae Men

Welcome back, everyone!

Last we left off, I had just arrived in Sanctuary, and Cogsworth informed me that all the shit's fucked up and everyone's retarded.  Or feral.  Or something; whatever.  He indicated I might be able to find some survivors in nearby Concord.  But first, I leveled!  

"Looks exactly like Fallout: Shelter for iOS also known as 'I WILL MAKE YOUR PHONE OVERHEAT AND DIE'."

Locksmith'd.  I've a feeling that I'm gonna need to get into places I'm not really supposed to be getting into, and that being able to open advanced locks early on will be an advantage.  Now then; on towards Concord!


Deep dank dark hole underneath Red Rocket Service Station... What do you say, Ol' buddy Ol' pal?

"Ruh roh"

Dog's not too sure.  Oh well what does he know; he licks his own balls.  Damn showoff...

"Nuclear waste, mushrooms and molerats."

Well that explains the memo on the Red Rocket terminal about them stashing radioactive waste under the station.  'cept its fulla raaaaaats.  Molerats.  Thankfully they have a weakness to GUN.

Anywho.  Pop back out of the cave, and onwards towards Concord...s.

"Nuka-Cola Quantum: have you got the glow, the glow to grow?"

Oh look; a soft drink with a (harmless?) radioactive isotope so it glows!  Made from over 200 years ago and it's STILL glowing!  There's no way this won't be anything but beneficial to my body!

"Sock drawer stash, essentially."

Welp, there goes some Buffout and Jet. Jet causes time dillation for about 10 seconds, so everything's in slow-mo.  Buffout is essentially steroids in pill-form.

"Dog got SWAG."

And now my dog is a fashionista.  OR I'm hallucinating.  Pretty sure I'm high, but not high enough to imagine my dog is dressing up on his own; I must've gave him that stuff.  Also doggles!  So cute so nice...

"Even my GUI's guy is baked."

Well that's... odd... I guess I'm not doing that OK after all.  Good thing my Pipboy can track all my symptoms.

"Thankfully no side-effect such as: Micropenis or Backne."

I hear a dude yell for help while shooting lasers at some baddies.  I guess he needs a hand but hey what's that!?  A clandestine bar!?  Don't mind if I do!

"Pretty sure nobody here knows my name."

Cleaned the place. out.  There was one room where a dude was just covered in drugs and gettin' it on with a mannequin before expiring.  We can all only hope to go out that way in life.  Wonder how my vitals are doin'.

"Dave's not here, man."

"Got more shit coursin' through my system than Charlie Sheen on a Friday night."

Well now that I'm thoroughly sauced, might as well go and murder raiders to rescue that Preston guy who was yelling at me earlier...

"Pee-ka-boo!  BANG BANG!"

I'm like a vengeful spirit, on a vision quest, just killin' dudes.  WELP I fell down into the basement...

"This looks vaguely important / expensive.  MINE."

I manage to stumble back up from the basement, and do the tour proper.  A lot of it is the Redcoats gettin' their shit kicked.  I'm OK with that.


I find another box with some chems in it, wonder how I'm doin' so-far...

"I might have a problem..."

Alcohol addiction after only 4 beers?   Well I guess Art imitates Life sometimes.  Moving on.

"Post-Modern Family."

Preston gives me a big thumbs-up for getting rid of the harassing raiders, but tells me the job's not done.  Specifically, we now need to get OUT of the building aaaaaand we're screwed.

He throws to his boy Sturges, who's the man with a plan.  Specifically go onto the roof and get that cherry suit of power armor up and running.

"Any advantage at this point.  Whatever works, man."

The trip to the roof is uneventful if a bit slow, as I'm severely overencumbered.  Hopefully the mechanized suit will help me out.

"Your move, creep."

I am become death!  I AM A METAL MAN!  I AM... wait what's that sound...

"Why does it have a skull next to it's name..."

Is that what Mama Murphy was talkin' about?  Fuckin' DEATHCLAW?  WELL SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIT.


I forgot I installed that Macho Man Deathclaw Mod.  I also forgot I was playing on Survival.

Total Death Count for this section: 3.  3 fucking times.

Thankfully, the 4th try worked like a charm.

"How do I get out and eat you!?"


Yeah he glitched in the sewers and couldn't get out.  I don't care, it still counts.  I murdered the deathclaw, and went a-explorin'.

"Whatcha doin?" "Oh y'know, hangin' out in the sewers, doin' drugs."

Another immediate dose of Jet.  Still not addicted, but let's go see how I'm doing now.

"Tell it to me straight, Doc."  "You're boned."

Well that's not great.  What IS great however, is I forgot to level, and then leveled again so DOUBLE LEVEL POWERRRRRRRRRRRR

"Lone Wanderer + Gun Nut. BRB occupying federal wildlife reserve lololololololz."

Lone Wanderer for the extra carry space and flat 15% damage reduction, and Gun Nut rank 1 so I can turn guns into valuable commodities to be bartered with, but also SUPERGUNS.

And now back to Preston, to tell him the coast is clear.  He's mighty thankful (as he should be) and offers to let me stay at their new settlement prospects: Sanctuary Hills.  Sorry buddy but that's MY HOME ALREADY.  I'll let -YOU- stay in my heroin den, more likely.

I am however severely overencumbered now even WITH the robo-suit, so it is a long, slow, ponderous, ennui-filled trek BACK to Sanctuary Hills itself.  Like seriously.  You can't fast-travel, run OR sprint.  So its just a snail's pace walk back.

"No Iron Chef for me.  ( ;_;) "

Can't cook while in a robo-suit?  Complete garbage.  I wonder just HOW BADLY I'm overencumbered...

"567 lbs?  Surprised my back isn't shattered."

Wow.  Well I guess that would be a valid reason for me being DEAD let alone inching across the wasteland.  Oh well.  I'm back home, and while Preston & Co. set up shop, I've got some inventory management to do.

"After a brief session over the ol' cookin' pot."

Again, rule being that while I don't have to immediately consume cooking ingredients such as meat, once it IS cooked however, down the hatch.

"Beep boop please insert NUKE."

Well, that's it for this installment.  I made it back to Sanctuary in relatively one piece, am covered in rusty bits, and addicted to no less than 3 controlled substances!  Who knows what'll happen tomorrow!

Once again, thanks for keeping up to this point, Reader feedback is always encouraged, so Like/Comment/Subscribe/Email Your Congressman!

Friday, January 22, 2016

*** NEW SERIES *** Fallout 4: "I don't feel so good..." Edition.

Hello my lovelies.

Yes yes; its that time again.  Sit down and strap in, let me take you for a wonderful ride.

This new chapter is with Fallout 4.  As with every iteration of Challenge Mode, I've been given a specific set of rules to follow in the game, that I cannot diverge from unless absolutely necessary; i.e. a quest requires I do something that I've vowed not to, to advance the questline.  Normally if this would happen, I'd consider the game broken as per my own ruleset, and that'd be the end of it.

This was sort-of the case in Skyrim, where I had to break my "No weapons" rule and use the quest provided bow against the final vampire in the Dawnguard DLC.  I soldiered on to finish the DLC and complete the First Dragonborn DLC as well, but really I should've stopped there.

But this?  This is Fallout 4.

Todd Howard over at Bethesda claimed that the game could be completed in a pacifist way, where the player themselves didn't have to initiate violent actions to advance the story; that's what the NPC hirelings were for.

Some dude proved him wrong by completing the main questline with 0 confirmed kills, as even your NPC hireling kills count for you.  No joke.  That shit happened.  It's a testament to just how open-ended (and Bonkers) Fallout 4 is.

So, before we dive head-long into our adventure together within the Massachusetts Commonwealth, we'll list the conditions for this 'run' as it were.

Fallout 4: I don't feel so good edition.

- Any pre-processed food & drink item found in the world, I must eat immediately.  So if I stumble upon 40 cans of Cram, 200 year old Salisbury Steak & Cherry Nuka-Cola, I have to eat it immediately.

- Player crafted food & ingredients: I don't need to eat them immediately, unless I cook meals with them.  Then the meal must be consumed right there.

- Any drug substance I find (with a few exceptions), I have to consume immediately.  So any dose of Jet/Buffout/Psycho that I stumble upon, I have to use'em right then and there.

Notable exclusions: Stimpak, Rad-X, Radaway.

- Playing on Survival mode.  Everything is tougher, you take more damage, legendary enemies show up more often, and health regeneration is PAINFULLY SLOW.

And that's it!  Doesn't seem like much, but the fact that I'm on Survival mode is already a great challenge, add in that a LOT of the pre-war food items found across the world are heavily irradiated which will reduce my overall maximum hitpoints total.  So with low resources, constant radiation ingestion, and the constant threat of becoming addicted to pretty much every terrible substance out there.

So let us begin!

Med-X; not even ONCE.

What a beautiful boy!  As I'll most likely be a horrible addict the entire game, I went ahead and gave him the look of someone mainlining heroin for years.  Not like he'll look any different from the remaining survivors in the Commonwealth.

Now that our boy has his roguish nightmare looks, let's get this show on the road.


WELP, Survival mode: engaged.  I wonder how many sickly weak feral dogs riddled with mange it'll take to kill me.

Avon calling!

Mister Vault-Tec!  Comin' to streamline the process into getting into Vault 111!  Go getcha Jamie Oliver steak-knives, bruh; I'ma sign up for your doohickey!

Well-rounded, as Mr. Richards' namesake.

4/10 Would reroll Shaman.  No major advantages, or disadvantages, with enough wiggle room that eating everything in sight should afford me some fun surprises.

Lookit that cabbage-patch-lookin' glow-worm motherfucker.

And here's Shaun; my plastic bundle of joy.  Game is gorgeous, a far cry better than previous Fallout iterations by Bethesda, and even with Skyrim's step up in the graphics department, this is a full-blown departure from even that.

BUT my baby still looks like a cheap toy found at Target.

Worst sign placement ever.

RUH ROH SHAGGY.  Ron Perlman on the TV just said Philly and a NYC got NUKE'D.  I mean sure Philly's garbage, but NYC man; that's a hell of a town!  Good thing I finalized the paperwork for the vault earlier!  Onward Nora & Shaun; to adventure!

Ummm, Open Sesame?

C'mon open the door already, sunlight's wastin' awa--



"Welcome Home" they said. "Life's better in a Vault" they said!

Well, push came to shove, and I tossed some fools over the edge, but we made it.  Vault 111!  Our new home!  Wouldja look at that!

Valt-Con has Swag bags! YESSSSSSSSSS.

Free loot upon entering the place?  I'm not one to say no!  Nifty jumpsuits are nifty, and maybe they'll give me a raygun later, and I can pretend to be some HYDRA agent, or work on the Moonraker base.  Pew pew pew!

'Bout to get de-loused.

He's talking about some sort of decontamination process; probably because right before we got sealed in, I DID take a radiation blast to the domepiece because I was close enough to see the mushroom cloud.  Hey; as long as my dick and hair don't fall off/out, I'm cool man.  Cool.

Tell my wife I said "Hello."

F that, I'm not cool, I'm ICE COLD, BAYBEH.  yuk yuk yuk, don't forget to tip your waitress, folks!  But wait; this isn't what's supposed to happen.  I'm not supposed to get cryogenically frozen, I'm just supposed to get decontaminated!  What's going on!?


Smashcut to 210 years later.  That's right, we went from 2077 to 2287.  There are reasons, And I don't particularly want to spoil what goes on here just yet.  Let's keep a bit of mystery, shall we?  *smek* luh yew, buhbbie.

She's dead...

BLOODY NORA.  Nora's done did got git got'd.  AND they took Shaun.  I. Am. Mad.  And according to the game's backstory  I'm a retired veteran of the U.S. Army; its intentionally left vague as to what specific branch of the Army I'm in, or what my specialty was, as those details really aren't important.  It'll be up to me to put my training to work!

They're all dead...

Unfortunately, if I was a combat medic, then I'm facing impossible odds.  They are all meat-popsicles; in the most literal of senses.

Will my obsession with Skyrim's giant spiders transpose onto Fallout's roaches?

AAH.  RADROACH!  And with Survival mode, these guys pack a wallop!  Thankfully they still die in 1-hit, but they're spry and wriggly.  Roughly 14 radroaches later, the exit!

Sweet Zune, brah.

Free Pipboy!  Sweet!  Sorry bro, but doesn't look like you'll need it at all now.  Yet another step closer to getting out of here, and putting the shattered pieces of my life together in this new irradiated hellscape.  Let's kick this pig.

Apparently vault doors are sponsored by RAZER computer accessories.

This door is overly elaborate, and I doubt I'll be able to pick it with my trusty handful of bobby pins.  Like the damn thing requires at least 4 hands to pick, and I haven't absorbed enough radiation to grow two other arms yet.

Well this doesn't look good.

Well then.  This isn't great.  I mean nice clear blue skies, I guess?  Doesn't look like anything in the immediate vicinity is glowing with deadly radiation.  Let's go see what sort of smoking crater is my home.

Not good at all.

Well there went the neighborhood.  Wow what a shithole.  Ugh.  I'm gonna have so much work to do to turn this place around.  First off, I need to get SOMETHING in me.  Last meal I had was 210 years ago, so tick-tock says the grumblin' gut.

Mmmm, lunch!

Well, its real beef flavor... AND its the first piece of pre-war food I gotta eat.  Hello radiation town: my tummy.  Hey what's that buzzing sound.


HOLY HANNA, my healths.  that was THREE bloatflies; they're my destroyers, come from hell to finish the job.  I beat them back, but I need like 3 weeks' bedrest.  And a metric ton of grub.  Thankfully one of my neighbors had a somewhat stocked bacement.

Look at all that food... that I have to eat immediately.

AND some Gwinnett Stout.  Success.  Gonna need some beer to wash down all that dogfood and cram.  euuugh.  Maybe I still have some booze left at home.

Codsworth is alive!

And he still has that juicyfruit I put there to keep the wires in place!  Awesome.  Codsworth is an emotional MESS.  Which is weird because that would presume he had A.I. and the whole point of Fallout 4 is... well we'll get into that later on.  Codsworth mentions there's some other people alive in the nearby settlement of Concord.

Time to go see what type of terrible scumbag exists for me to murder in 2287.


DOG DOG DOG DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOG.  I have a dog now.  We go on adventures and he is adorable and I loooooooooooove him and give him pet-pets and smooches and bellyrubs and I let him do fucking throat takedowns on raiders so I can get in execution-style headshots on these sumbitches because fuck yeah, dog.

♫ You'll never leave Harlan alive ♫

Cleaned out Red Rocket Fueling Station, brought the dog home.  On my way found some Buffout, so I popped those, two more beers, 4 Nuka-colas, a shot of Med-X, more cram, some dandyboy apples, BlamCo Mac&Cheese, and I cooked 5 portions of radroach meat.  And then immediately ate them.

I think I'm gonna puke forever.  Just a straight up fountain of vomit; forever.

So there we go!  That was the first installment of my new series!

There will be more soon, and I'm going to slowly devise an actual release schedule.  I might not be able to pull off a set, say: 1/week for now, as, big surprise here:

I might also incorporate some liveplay element to this experiment.  I've managed to rope in some friends who're willing to assist with the color commentary WHILE recording gameplay.  I'm not sure just HOW frequent these interludes will happen, or when they'll start as I still have a host of technical issues to hammer out as far as editing the raw footage, etc.

I won't bore you guys with the details.

Anyways!  Please like/share/subscribe/email your congressman with this post!  Share it with your mom!  She worries about you, you know.  Say "Hey mom! I know this guy, he likes to talk about poopy buttholes and his weiner.  Go read his blog!" And she'll be forever greatful to you.

You wonderful child.