Sunday, December 22, 2013

Yes Virginia, there is a Dragonpuncher and he's Totes McGotes p.fresh and stuff.

F'realz.  Mufasa said it.

Now that we've established this in canon, moving on.

Sovngarde!  Oh myyyyyyy!  Such a pretty fog-filled place, like fancy Lon-don town, Enga-land!  With similar numbers of Jack the Rippers, too probs.

Onwards!  I have Elder Scrolls Valhalla to find, and stop Alduin from eating everyone in Nord-heaven because that's a dick move, Alduin!

Kodlak; shining beacon in a sea of pessimism.

You'd think that the guy for whom I cured his eternal soul of the foul stench of lycanthropy (and the indentured servitude to Hircine that came with it I might add) from oh y'know BEYOND THE GRAVE, he'd have a little more confidence in me than what he's giving.  Seriously dude, reforming your order of naughty puppies was CHILD'S PLAY.

Giant space whale bone bridge to Asgard Sovngarde?  Seems legit.
 It's like that shot of the brewery in "Strange Brew".  Just, guys, I... I need a moment.  *Sniff* I'M HOME!  Woo yeah time to--

Bouncer gonna bounce.
 Damnit, looks like there's a cover charge to get into this party, and the fee is kickin' this Thor-lookin' motherfucker's ass all up'n'down that space whale bone bridge.  Bring it on.

Droppin' sick beats, you crusty knave!
 YES!  YEEEEEEEEES!  ALL THE BEERS.  ALL MINE!  And cheese!  This place is AWESOME! I don't ever want to leave, oooh what's over there!

All-you-can-eat cows roasting on an open fire.  You'd have to be crazy to want to leave!
Huh? What?  With our voices combined?  Oh yeah Alduin.  Right right right.  Sure thing.  We'll go do that right now, so we can get back to the party!

Cleared the mist; found no gorillas, or gorillaz.  Am sad now.
 So with the original three heroes who sent Alduin from their era to mine (dicks!) we're gonna get rid of him here, in Sovngarde where he's been feasting on my ancestors' souls and increasing exponentially in power.  HOW QUAINT.

 OH SHI--- BOSS TIME!  Me 'n the Warriors Three gon' have at it!  Alduin, you're going down!

THIS ISN'T EVEN MY FINAL FOR--oh wait it is.  :C

SUCK IT, ALDUIN.  The End Times are for another day!

"So... what do we do now?" "We work hard.  We party hard."
 Hooray and huzzah!  Skyrim, and all of Tamriel really, is safe once more from impending doom and gloom!  Well at least from dragon incursions, that is.  There's probably something else waiting to crawl out of the shadows and eat me and everything I love at a moment's notice.

"I will fly you there upon my exquisitely chiseled pecs."
 OK Tsun, I've had my fill of adventure, mead, and song.  I'll come back when I'm dead, so keep the good times rolling until I get back.  I'm ready to go horm.

Tsun's ability to get you home: a bit off.
 So the big lunk warps me back;  ..inside a dungeon.  I meet Medresi, an elf.  She's looking for help to get to a treasure deeper in, and what the hell, I want to get out, right?  Might as well pick up some treasure on the way.

Mere moments before Medresi gets killed by all the ghosts 'n draugrs (SNES edition).  I'm not in my underwear, I promise.
 So... she's dead.  or gone.  Look I can't find her, and cannot be bothered to go on a rescue mission.  These draugr won't re-kill themselves and there's still all that treasure around.  Can you say no to treasure?  I know I can't!

Helpful ghost!
 So I meet up further down the dungeon path with a very helpful ghost.  Mostly helpful because he was slain by whatever big bad thing deeper-in and wants reveeeeeeeeeeeeeenge.  Sure that's fine with me buddy; because TREASURE.

Floaty swords.
 Game is now causing weaponry to just hang mid-air now, once their owner is killed.  Normally the items go scattering in arc to the ground, Skyrim's physics engine actually pretty decent, with the object bouncing and sliding under its own momentun for a bit.  Now?  sometimes things just get stuck in the air like that.

Kinda cool!  But totally not working as intended.

Otar the Mad Mad Mad Mad wooooooooooooorld dragonpriest.

Next time: we rejoin the surface world.

Friday, December 6, 2013

Dey see me pollin'; dey votin'. Try'na catch me bloggin' durty.

Greetings all!

So it dawned on me the other night as I was delecting upon the finest cheeses, whiskeys and Skyrims, that I'm nearing the end of my journey through content!  There's tons of generic quests to run through after the main ones sure, but once you get through the DLC and the Main Story, there's little to the game other than dynamically-generated dragons & fetch quests.

Which isn't bad per say, it just lacks that story OOMPH! of having to fight Alduin or getting all the Jarls to act like adults for one meeting.

SO!  I've managed to set up a poll on the blog, you may have noticed it on the right, with a slight color change too.

Essentially, I'm asking you, my adoring (and adored!) public: WHAT SHOULD I PLAY NEXT?!

The poll is stuff I have easy access to, and is opened ended enough that I can blog about.  As much as I'd like to do my Borderlands 2 experience, its not really blogworthy.  (It is however very funny I encourage you to play it.)

So; here are the choices, in no particular order of preference:

Fallout 3


Fallout: New Vegas

Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion
Patrick Stewart & Sean Bean GALORE

Civilization 5
Giant Death Robots vs. Phalanx Cohort.

I dug too deep and too greedily.

Terraria in Space, essentially.

So, those are the main 6 choices.  Please note that while I'm not against fan-submitted choices (By all means, go for it) I'm looking at what's simultaneously bloggable about, and acquirable.  These games I have or can have relatively easy access to.  So if a lot of people suggest something else that's good, I might go with that.  If one of the above games wins it, I'm also taking suggestions (REASONABLE to NOT-SO-REASONABLE suggestions) as to how I should go about my playthrough.

  • Want me to play Fallout with all my points into Melee and wearing pre-war clothing instead of armor?
  • Want me to play Civilization 5 as the Mongols, and pursue a Space Race Victory?
  • Want me to play Oblivion as a Full Plate Argonian Mage? (Metal Lizard Wizard!  PLZ DONT)

Let me know in the comments!  And drop a vote!  The poll will run until January 6th, unless there's an absolute clear winner.

Thanks again, you're all lovely and I adore you! MWAH MWAH.

What game should I play next?

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Ombudsvahkiin: Worst job ever. Oh and dragons too, I guess.

Greetings, fellow navigators of the interwebs!  And a hearty hello to your pornographic deviants, that Blogspot seems to be saying you're all coming to my blog from very nasty sources!  You cheeky monkeys!  I won't name names, but y'all could tone it down a little, that'd be GREAT.

ONWARDS!  So after Alduin shows up interrupting my Paarthurnax-time at the Throat of the World (huech!) he basically tries to get a few licks in, but I send him packing... straight to Sovngarde.

I wish I meant that I hit him so hard, he died and went to Nord-Heaven, but no.  He used magic (!) and warped there, to go feast on the souls of dead Nords & heroes to gain strength and recuperate from the sound thrashing I just gave him.

Since I'm still quite well alive, I can't go to Sovngarde.  Not the traditional way, at least.  The Greybeards have an idea on how I can get there using Alduin's stuff, but first I gotta settle a growing problem in Skyrim.

Essentially the Stormcloak rebellion and the Imperial presence has gotten out of hand.  They're risking all-out war, and with a dragon threat imminent, I need to get them to stop bickering (i.e. fighting) long enough to deal with the dragons.  After that they can get back to killin' one another.

So begins my adventures of OMBUSDVAHKIIN... MEDIATORBORN!

Round table discussions about weaponized moon sugar proliferation and Nirnroot trade blockades.

Arngeir clearly using me as a meatshield between the Stormcloaks, Imperials & Blades.
ZzzZzzzzZz-- Wait what; I need to capture a dragon using Whiterun's castle?  OK Fine.  If this gets you guys to at least stop killing one another for the time being, I'll trap the damn thing in my underoos if need be.  Buncha BABIES.  Onwards, to Whiterun's castle and its dragonsnatchin' contraption!

"Well this is awkward..."
Simple enough!  A dragon shout later (Call: Odahviing.  It calls... Odahviing.) Dragon-dude is there and Admiral Ackbar is too late for he is caught!  Rarely do I get to talk to dragons, as mostly they're all about tryin' to eat me.  Which is understandable; I am DELICIOUS.

Interrogate means punch, right?  
Just to make sure, I smack'im on the nose a few times, which makes me look like a monster, but gaze long enough into the abyss and all roads lead to Rome or something.  Look I don't have time to debate what scholars think "San Diego" means, I've a large dragon's will to break to my own.

Odahviing is reasonably complacent now that I've trapped him; so nice!

"Your Alduin is in another castle."
So Odahviing tells me I can get at Alduin if I go traipse around his ol' stompin' grounds in Skyrim, Skuldafn.  Thing is, Skuldafn is only accessible through flight, an ability I distinctly lack.  Unless I use the NoClip cheat, or get a horse and exploit the game's faulty code and scale a sheer cliffwall with one. (You can do that.)

Mecca Lecca Hi, Mecca Dovah-HI HO ODAHVIING, AWAY!
♫ ON THE WINGS OF A DRAGON ♫ mmmmm this is fun.  Flyin' all over Skyrim, towards probably certain doom, as I'm Doom-Driven, according to Paarthy.  But what does HE know, he's just a big dumb lizard too.  Onwards to Skuldafn!

Well he kept his word.  And he's right about that second bit too; except I'm comin' back. Not Alduin.
So Odahviing gets me to Skuldafn, but doesn't dare go beyond dropping me off in the parking lot.  Clearly he's intimidated by Alduin.  Or me.  Either way he SHOULD BE AFRAID.  I've got work to do.  Mostly clearin' out Alduin's cronies.

TWO!  Two of 'em just showin' up and bein' all RAWR!  Well I told them what's what, and a few soul-absorptions later start scaling what feels like a million stair cases...

Shout it all out!
Alduin's really pulling out all the stops and has a full cohort of Draugr Deathlords just Unrelenting Force-shouting people off the dang ol' mountain!  Sucks for them that I can do it too!

Let's see what's inside...

Alduin you SON OF A BITCH.

Nearly dying of fright, I surmount my fears, slay the giant spiders, and soldier on.

Traps for dummies.

Maxin' and Relaxin'
Nah dude; don't get up.  I got this.  This old ruined fane's got it all!  Hopefully I'll find the source of Alduin's power soon...

Disco Inferno!
Looks more like jerkied corpse.  Mmmm mmm.  Fire usually means dragons, so I gotta be getting close!  ooh a door leading back out into the world...

Ontop of being shouted at, Frost Atronachs! (That big blue thing slightly off-screen.) Alduin don't play!

Well its big, glowy and shiny, I must be in the right place!  Just need to take care of that Dragon Priest there, and oo-rah.








Sovngarde!  Nord-equivalent of Valhalla!  MAMA I'M HOME!  I... just have no clue where I am IN Sovngarde though.  Oh well.  Time to explore the afterlife, but that is for our NEXT episode!