Greetings, fellow navigators of the interwebs! And a hearty hello to your pornographic deviants, that Blogspot seems to be saying you're all coming to my blog from very nasty sources! You cheeky monkeys! I won't name names, but y'all could tone it down a little, that'd be GREAT.
ONWARDS! So after Alduin shows up interrupting my Paarthurnax-time at the Throat of the World (huech!) he basically tries to get a few licks in, but I send him packing... straight to Sovngarde.
I wish I meant that I hit him so hard, he died and went to Nord-Heaven, but no. He used magic (!) and warped there, to go feast on the souls of dead Nords & heroes to gain strength and recuperate from the sound thrashing I just gave him.
Since I'm still quite well alive, I can't go to Sovngarde. Not the traditional way, at least. The Greybeards have an idea on how I can get there using Alduin's stuff, but first I gotta settle a growing problem in Skyrim.
Essentially the Stormcloak rebellion and the Imperial presence has gotten out of hand. They're risking all-out war, and with a dragon threat imminent, I need to get them to stop bickering (i.e. fighting) long enough to deal with the dragons. After that they can get back to killin' one another.
So begins my adventures of OMBUSDVAHKIIN... MEDIATORBORN!
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| Round table discussions about weaponized moon sugar proliferation and Nirnroot trade blockades. |
Zzzzzz...
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| Arngeir clearly using me as a meatshield between the Stormcloaks, Imperials & Blades. |
ZzzZzzzzZz-- Wait what; I need to capture a dragon using Whiterun's castle? OK Fine. If this gets you guys to at least stop killing one another for the time being, I'll trap the damn thing in my underoos if need be. Buncha BABIES. Onwards, to Whiterun's castle and its dragonsnatchin' contraption!
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| "Well this is awkward..." |
Simple enough! A dragon shout later (Call: Odahviing. It calls... Odahviing.) Dragon-dude is there and Admiral Ackbar is too late for he is caught! Rarely do I get to talk to dragons, as mostly they're all about tryin' to eat me. Which is understandable; I am DELICIOUS.
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| Interrogate means punch, right? |
Just to make sure, I smack'im on the nose a few times, which makes me look like a monster, but gaze long enough into the abyss and all roads lead to Rome or something. Look I don't have time to debate what scholars think "San Diego" means, I've a large dragon's will to break to my own.
Odahviing is reasonably complacent now that I've trapped him; so nice!
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| "Your Alduin is in another castle." |
So Odahviing tells me I can get at Alduin if I go traipse around his ol' stompin' grounds in Skyrim, Skuldafn. Thing is, Skuldafn is only accessible through flight, an ability I distinctly lack. Unless I use the NoClip cheat, or get a horse and exploit the game's faulty code and scale a sheer cliffwall with one. (You can do that.)
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| Mecca Lecca Hi, Mecca Dovah-HI HO ODAHVIING, AWAY! |
♫ ON THE WINGS OF A DRAGON ♫ mmmmm this is fun. Flyin' all over Skyrim, towards probably certain doom, as I'm Doom-Driven, according to Paarthy. But what does HE know, he's just a big dumb lizard too. Onwards to Skuldafn!
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| Well he kept his word. And he's right about that second bit too; except I'm comin' back. Not Alduin. |
So Odahviing gets me to Skuldafn, but doesn't dare go beyond dropping me off in the parking lot. Clearly he's intimidated by Alduin. Or me. Either way he SHOULD BE AFRAID. I've got work to do. Mostly clearin' out Alduin's cronies.
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| DOUBLE TROUBLE TAG TEAM WOOP DERE IT IS. |
TWO! Two of 'em just showin' up and bein' all RAWR! Well I told them what's what, and a few soul-absorptions later start scaling what feels like a million stair cases...
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| Shout it all out! |
Alduin's really pulling out all the stops and has a full cohort of Draugr Deathlords just Unrelenting Force-shouting people off the dang ol' mountain! Sucks for them that I can do it too!
Let's see what's inside...
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| Alduin you SON OF A BITCH. |
THE WORST NIGHTMARE EVER.
Nearly dying of fright, I surmount my fears, slay the giant spiders, and soldier on.
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| Traps for dummies. |
GEE I WONDER WHAT TOTEM ANIMAL I SHOULD CHOOSE HERE TO OPEN THE DOOR... HURRRRRRRRRRR
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| Maxin' and Relaxin' |
Nah dude; don't get up. I got this. This old ruined fane's got it all! Hopefully I'll find the source of Alduin's power soon...
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| Disco Inferno! |
Looks more like jerkied corpse. Mmmm mmm. Fire usually means dragons, so I gotta be getting close! ooh a door leading back out into the world...
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| HE KNOWS MAGIC. I REPEAT. HE KNOWS MAGIC. |
Ontop of being shouted at, Frost Atronachs! (That big blue thing slightly off-screen.) Alduin don't play!
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| AH HA! |
Well its big, glowy and shiny, I must be in the right place! Just need to take care of that Dragon Priest there, and oo-rah.
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| Portal: ACTIVATE! |
SHWOOSH-SHWOOSH-SHWOOSH-SHWOOSH
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...
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WARBWARBWARBWARBWARB
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| WELKAM TO SOFNGART. YOU KANAT GO HORM. |
Sovngarde! Nord-equivalent of Valhalla! MAMA I'M HOME! I... just have no clue where I am IN Sovngarde though. Oh well. Time to explore the afterlife, but that is for our NEXT episode!
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