Friday, November 29, 2013

RAP GAME DOVAHKIIN - Fus Ro Dah the Police


Hiatuses are, in a ways, a bitch.  I've gone through several busy periods at work, hardware / software failures at home, adventures, nightmares, the lot of it.  My life is a whirlwind of Drama and Excitement.  (Not really.)  Add to that a substantial dollop of depression about stuff, this little hobby project of mine took the wayside, in favor of dealing with more pressing RL(tm) matters.  I'm sure all of my adoring fans will understand.

I mean I haven't really played in the past months but that wouldn't have stopped me from posting; I still have maybe 1 or 2 blog posts' worth of images already saved, and there's still more content I haven't explored yet in-game.  Enough Whining!  Back on the horse! Yip-yip!  

This first image really does sum up my feelings / outlook on life for the past 3-4 months though, real talk.

Have you tried turning it OFF then ON again.

Where were we.  Oh yes; we'd just slewn a Vampire Lord infront of his daughter, saved the world from Eternal Darkness unless we decide to unleash it ourselves, because whatevs.

Steven Segal, keepin' us safe even in Skyrim.

Delphine wants me to go find her Blades pal & Top Doge, Esbern.  Last she's heard, some guy in Riften might know where he is.  But that this might be hard, because Blades are masters of stealth, having to survive the Altmeri Dominion and stuff.  Super-duper hard.

Brynjolf looks like he just smelled a rancid fart.

Way to stick to your business ethics, Brynjolf.  I didn't even give him money; I just used the Pesuade option!  To be fair, dragons ARE bad for a thieving business, as supply and demand plummets when everything is ash and nobody's alive to pay for'em.  Oh well; onwards to the Ratway!

"My God; he's full of stars."
 The Ratway is a cute name for Riften's sewer system, which doesn't have rats so much as brigands and hobos.  Crazy crazy hobos.

Classy beheadings; not this terrorist shaky-cam bullshit.  Look at that mood lighting!
 The scenery rapidly alternates between dank dookie-filled tunnel-system, to the serene-like grove seen above, back into the dark recesses of a city's aqueduct planning.  Oh and there's even a bar down here!

It's a dive bar.  the ol' waterin' hole.  I'll see myself out.
 The 'Ragged Flagon' as it is, turns out to be the main operations place for the Riften Thieves Guild.  That's something we'll get into later, which is neither here nor then.  Well its 'then' but we're not there yet.  Beyond the bar is further twistybits of the ratways, culminating in what can only be described as Arkham Asylum's sub-sub basement, locked away madfolk, one of them who's essentially Buffalo Bill.  Esbern has a place too, with like a million locks on his door.  I get why.

Esbern, played by Patrick Stewart, apparently.
 For a man on the run, he has one hell of a setup down here.  All the comforts of home, packed into a tiny dungeon cell inside the bowels of a city's sewage system.  Housing market isn't what it used to be, folks!  As I spring the ol' man which triggers a bunch of bullshit elves attacking me.  Whatever.  Dragonborn comin' through.  Fus!

Eventually I make it back to Riverwood with Esbern and meet up with Delphine.  Brass tacks, gents.  Sky Haven Temple is a thing.  It is a Blades thing.  And damnit, we're gonna take it back.  We're taking that sumbitch back like NOBODY'S BUSINESS.  Off we go.

Spritely for an Octagenarian!
 Esbern's just chargin' in there, meanwhile I can't help but see that dank dark cobwebby tunnel and think: "The penitent man kneels..." but I ain't got time fo' dat.  Neither does Esbern!  Men with a mission, and whatnot.  This whole sequence is quite uneventful so far anyways.

 Cool mechanic, game.  I gotta use my Dragonborn blood to open the door to the temple.  Hoo-ray for self-mutilation, NO I don't have a problem, YOU have a problem, THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL.

Ahem.  Onward Inward!  To Sky Haven Temple.

LOOK MA!  I'M ON TV!  Well a wall.  A millenia-old wall.  I'm kind of a big deal.
 Esbern essentially breaks down the Skyrim trailer that is voiced by Christopher Plummer or whatever when they were marketing the hell out of this.  Alduin the First, aka The Destroyer, aka Sucks McGee there, is back and that means the end-times.  He was defeated 1,000 years ago by a single dragon-shout, lost to time immemorial.  Esbern suggests I go hit up my ol' pals the Greybeards.  I mean they're only the very EXPERTS on dragon shouting, right?

 So its back up High Hrothgar, and beyond!  To the very throat of the world (Eugh.) to meet with Paarthurnax, Eldest of all Greybeards.  Possibly also Greyest.  Voiced by Charles Martinet (SUPER MARIO ISSA ME, OH! LETS-A-GO!) voice actor extraordinaire.  The trek up the mountain isn't without its perils.

'Bout to pay the Troll Toll with a fistful of Septims.  BLAM!

I get a new shout to get up there called Clear Skies!  It... clears the skies.  Of heavy Dragonborn-killing fog.  Which is good, because I enjoy living!  And hey if going "YOOOOOSH!" makes some nasty wind go away, who am I, or anyone for that matter, to question the logic behind it?

 Place is deserted.  Nobody's ho--

WELL.  Paarthurnax is actually real after all, AND a dragon.  Wasn't expecting that. More the 2nd bit than the first one.  Also he's kind of a dickbag, immediately shouting shit at me, startin' stuff he don't wanna be finishing, because I gave him a cauliflower ear.  If that's even possible.  Do dragons have ears?  If so, can they be boxed and made to be as hideous as Randy Couture's? hort hort hort.

Paarthurnax does the Puppy-shunt-your-head-to-the-side-to-listen thing VERY well.
 Now that I've humored him with my all-encompassing fisty-might, Paarthurnax decides to tell me 'bout the shout called 'Dragonrend'.  And that it is alien to dragonkind, as it was not created by them, but by mortals.  He does not know it, for the words are not of his tongue.  Well they ARE, but aren't.  Dragon language is complicated as the grammar is quite fluid, and those transitive verbs... that might be a lesson for a different time.  Paarthurnax tells us we need an Elder Scroll.  Luck so has it that we did the Dawnguard stuff that ALSO needs an Elder Scroll (i.e. the same one) so I just whip that bad boy out, and we're off through time!

I'd say spoiler warning, but its been 2 years now.  Deal with it.

 Using the Way-Way Back Machine(tm) we are now ... -1,000 years from whatever it is in Skyrim moments before I used the WWBM(tm)!

We're on the Throat of the World still, and I'm basically taking part in what that stone fresco within Sky Haven Temple was talkin' bout.  The Warriors Three  Ancient Nord heroes are gathered to fight off Alduin, moments away from using 'Dragonrend'.

Cornered, like an angry kitten. An angry 50ft long scaled kitten.

The three heroes of old use 'Dragonrend' to push Alduin out of continuity entirely; essentially dropping him 1,000 years into the future as they were unable to handle his mess back then, with their only option being tossing this overgrown newt into a distant future so their descendants can deal (or not deal) with him.


I work out.
Having witnessed Dragonrend being used, I'm able to learn it immediately; and I have so many dragon souls saved up that hey!  I get on it right on gettin' on the right now.  ♫ But then Alduin shows up and ruins it all by saying something stupid like I want to eaaaaaaat yoooooouuuu ♫

No really.  Dragonborns are tasty or something.  Look, he just shows up and brought a dragonbreath to a vicious cockfight and I'ma let my fists do the talkin'.  They took extra AP credit in Speakin' and Talkin'.


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