Friday, January 22, 2016

*** NEW SERIES *** Fallout 4: "I don't feel so good..." Edition.

Hello my lovelies.

Yes yes; its that time again.  Sit down and strap in, let me take you for a wonderful ride.

This new chapter is with Fallout 4.  As with every iteration of Challenge Mode, I've been given a specific set of rules to follow in the game, that I cannot diverge from unless absolutely necessary; i.e. a quest requires I do something that I've vowed not to, to advance the questline.  Normally if this would happen, I'd consider the game broken as per my own ruleset, and that'd be the end of it.

This was sort-of the case in Skyrim, where I had to break my "No weapons" rule and use the quest provided bow against the final vampire in the Dawnguard DLC.  I soldiered on to finish the DLC and complete the First Dragonborn DLC as well, but really I should've stopped there.

But this?  This is Fallout 4.

Todd Howard over at Bethesda claimed that the game could be completed in a pacifist way, where the player themselves didn't have to initiate violent actions to advance the story; that's what the NPC hirelings were for.

Some dude proved him wrong by completing the main questline with 0 confirmed kills, as even your NPC hireling kills count for you.  No joke.  That shit happened.  It's a testament to just how open-ended (and Bonkers) Fallout 4 is.

So, before we dive head-long into our adventure together within the Massachusetts Commonwealth, we'll list the conditions for this 'run' as it were.

Fallout 4: I don't feel so good edition.

- Any pre-processed food & drink item found in the world, I must eat immediately.  So if I stumble upon 40 cans of Cram, 200 year old Salisbury Steak & Cherry Nuka-Cola, I have to eat it immediately.

- Player crafted food & ingredients: I don't need to eat them immediately, unless I cook meals with them.  Then the meal must be consumed right there.

- Any drug substance I find (with a few exceptions), I have to consume immediately.  So any dose of Jet/Buffout/Psycho that I stumble upon, I have to use'em right then and there.

Notable exclusions: Stimpak, Rad-X, Radaway.

- Playing on Survival mode.  Everything is tougher, you take more damage, legendary enemies show up more often, and health regeneration is PAINFULLY SLOW.

And that's it!  Doesn't seem like much, but the fact that I'm on Survival mode is already a great challenge, add in that a LOT of the pre-war food items found across the world are heavily irradiated which will reduce my overall maximum hitpoints total.  So with low resources, constant radiation ingestion, and the constant threat of becoming addicted to pretty much every terrible substance out there.

So let us begin!

Med-X; not even ONCE.

What a beautiful boy!  As I'll most likely be a horrible addict the entire game, I went ahead and gave him the look of someone mainlining heroin for years.  Not like he'll look any different from the remaining survivors in the Commonwealth.

Now that our boy has his roguish nightmare looks, let's get this show on the road.


WELP, Survival mode: engaged.  I wonder how many sickly weak feral dogs riddled with mange it'll take to kill me.

Avon calling!

Mister Vault-Tec!  Comin' to streamline the process into getting into Vault 111!  Go getcha Jamie Oliver steak-knives, bruh; I'ma sign up for your doohickey!

Well-rounded, as Mr. Richards' namesake.

4/10 Would reroll Shaman.  No major advantages, or disadvantages, with enough wiggle room that eating everything in sight should afford me some fun surprises.

Lookit that cabbage-patch-lookin' glow-worm motherfucker.

And here's Shaun; my plastic bundle of joy.  Game is gorgeous, a far cry better than previous Fallout iterations by Bethesda, and even with Skyrim's step up in the graphics department, this is a full-blown departure from even that.

BUT my baby still looks like a cheap toy found at Target.

Worst sign placement ever.

RUH ROH SHAGGY.  Ron Perlman on the TV just said Philly and a NYC got NUKE'D.  I mean sure Philly's garbage, but NYC man; that's a hell of a town!  Good thing I finalized the paperwork for the vault earlier!  Onward Nora & Shaun; to adventure!

Ummm, Open Sesame?

C'mon open the door already, sunlight's wastin' awa--



"Welcome Home" they said. "Life's better in a Vault" they said!

Well, push came to shove, and I tossed some fools over the edge, but we made it.  Vault 111!  Our new home!  Wouldja look at that!

Valt-Con has Swag bags! YESSSSSSSSSS.

Free loot upon entering the place?  I'm not one to say no!  Nifty jumpsuits are nifty, and maybe they'll give me a raygun later, and I can pretend to be some HYDRA agent, or work on the Moonraker base.  Pew pew pew!

'Bout to get de-loused.

He's talking about some sort of decontamination process; probably because right before we got sealed in, I DID take a radiation blast to the domepiece because I was close enough to see the mushroom cloud.  Hey; as long as my dick and hair don't fall off/out, I'm cool man.  Cool.

Tell my wife I said "Hello."

F that, I'm not cool, I'm ICE COLD, BAYBEH.  yuk yuk yuk, don't forget to tip your waitress, folks!  But wait; this isn't what's supposed to happen.  I'm not supposed to get cryogenically frozen, I'm just supposed to get decontaminated!  What's going on!?


Smashcut to 210 years later.  That's right, we went from 2077 to 2287.  There are reasons, And I don't particularly want to spoil what goes on here just yet.  Let's keep a bit of mystery, shall we?  *smek* luh yew, buhbbie.

She's dead...

BLOODY NORA.  Nora's done did got git got'd.  AND they took Shaun.  I. Am. Mad.  And according to the game's backstory  I'm a retired veteran of the U.S. Army; its intentionally left vague as to what specific branch of the Army I'm in, or what my specialty was, as those details really aren't important.  It'll be up to me to put my training to work!

They're all dead...

Unfortunately, if I was a combat medic, then I'm facing impossible odds.  They are all meat-popsicles; in the most literal of senses.

Will my obsession with Skyrim's giant spiders transpose onto Fallout's roaches?

AAH.  RADROACH!  And with Survival mode, these guys pack a wallop!  Thankfully they still die in 1-hit, but they're spry and wriggly.  Roughly 14 radroaches later, the exit!

Sweet Zune, brah.

Free Pipboy!  Sweet!  Sorry bro, but doesn't look like you'll need it at all now.  Yet another step closer to getting out of here, and putting the shattered pieces of my life together in this new irradiated hellscape.  Let's kick this pig.

Apparently vault doors are sponsored by RAZER computer accessories.

This door is overly elaborate, and I doubt I'll be able to pick it with my trusty handful of bobby pins.  Like the damn thing requires at least 4 hands to pick, and I haven't absorbed enough radiation to grow two other arms yet.

Well this doesn't look good.

Well then.  This isn't great.  I mean nice clear blue skies, I guess?  Doesn't look like anything in the immediate vicinity is glowing with deadly radiation.  Let's go see what sort of smoking crater is my home.

Not good at all.

Well there went the neighborhood.  Wow what a shithole.  Ugh.  I'm gonna have so much work to do to turn this place around.  First off, I need to get SOMETHING in me.  Last meal I had was 210 years ago, so tick-tock says the grumblin' gut.

Mmmm, lunch!

Well, its real beef flavor... AND its the first piece of pre-war food I gotta eat.  Hello radiation town: my tummy.  Hey what's that buzzing sound.


HOLY HANNA, my healths.  that was THREE bloatflies; they're my destroyers, come from hell to finish the job.  I beat them back, but I need like 3 weeks' bedrest.  And a metric ton of grub.  Thankfully one of my neighbors had a somewhat stocked bacement.

Look at all that food... that I have to eat immediately.

AND some Gwinnett Stout.  Success.  Gonna need some beer to wash down all that dogfood and cram.  euuugh.  Maybe I still have some booze left at home.

Codsworth is alive!

And he still has that juicyfruit I put there to keep the wires in place!  Awesome.  Codsworth is an emotional MESS.  Which is weird because that would presume he had A.I. and the whole point of Fallout 4 is... well we'll get into that later on.  Codsworth mentions there's some other people alive in the nearby settlement of Concord.

Time to go see what type of terrible scumbag exists for me to murder in 2287.


DOG DOG DOG DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOG.  I have a dog now.  We go on adventures and he is adorable and I loooooooooooove him and give him pet-pets and smooches and bellyrubs and I let him do fucking throat takedowns on raiders so I can get in execution-style headshots on these sumbitches because fuck yeah, dog.

♫ You'll never leave Harlan alive ♫

Cleaned out Red Rocket Fueling Station, brought the dog home.  On my way found some Buffout, so I popped those, two more beers, 4 Nuka-colas, a shot of Med-X, more cram, some dandyboy apples, BlamCo Mac&Cheese, and I cooked 5 portions of radroach meat.  And then immediately ate them.

I think I'm gonna puke forever.  Just a straight up fountain of vomit; forever.

So there we go!  That was the first installment of my new series!

There will be more soon, and I'm going to slowly devise an actual release schedule.  I might not be able to pull off a set, say: 1/week for now, as, big surprise here:

I might also incorporate some liveplay element to this experiment.  I've managed to rope in some friends who're willing to assist with the color commentary WHILE recording gameplay.  I'm not sure just HOW frequent these interludes will happen, or when they'll start as I still have a host of technical issues to hammer out as far as editing the raw footage, etc.

I won't bore you guys with the details.

Anyways!  Please like/share/subscribe/email your congressman with this post!  Share it with your mom!  She worries about you, you know.  Say "Hey mom! I know this guy, he likes to talk about poopy buttholes and his weiner.  Go read his blog!" And she'll be forever greatful to you.

You wonderful child.


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