Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Wednesday Roundup: Creepy Vampire Buffet and Hooked on Dragonphonics: Shouts to make love to.

So Tuesday turned into Wednesday.  Wow, that's like, deep man.  All philosophical and shit, and in no way copping out for being a day late.

SO!  When we left off, we were having a hand-shandy.  No wait, before that.  Oh yeah.  Creepy undead girl (SPERLERZ!!1!1one!) found in a stone coffin, in a cave, with an Elder Scroll.  Well then.  She sounds nice enough, AND is currently not attempting to feast on my precious red stuff; so I guess I COULD hear her out a bit before I proceed to punch her.  And I don't mean that because she's a girl.  Make no mistake; the second you become one of the undead, you are fair game ladies.  No matter HOW HOT you are. I'll tune you up like you was Tina and I was Ike.  (Too soon?)

Anywho; back to our onions; currently the girl is all "HEY WAIT HEAR ME OUT!" and shit.  Except all I'm hearing actually is stuff making hella-noise in the background.  Whatever mechanism that decided it was imperative sticking me in the hand, also felt necessary to activate Dimhollow cave's defenses.  I.E. GARGOYLES!

Ge'ek Outt vs. Goliath

Gargoyles are TOUGH.  These guys are fasty-fast, and pretty brawny.  Thankfully right now there isn't that many of them.  Half the statues left remain as decoration, despite me punching them for good measure.

Greatest magic trick ever: "And now I'll pull my own skeleton out of a hat!"

I was pretty surprised to see this guy pop out from behind a pillar; I thought Serana had died and her skeleton was exacting its vengeance upon its captors.  Turns out Serana can animate the dead.  Or in this skeleton's case, the recently re-dead.  Kind of a letdown, considering pulling out your own skeleton and being just this floopy mass of skin and muscles while your skeleton does vaudville antics would have you 10-deep 24/7 mad puss-cray-cray z-dawg.

Well it would.  Don't hate.

So some more skeletons show up, and then some Draugr BRO COME AT ME BRO shows up too, because he is totes a DEATH OVERLORD.  Compensating, much?

I came at you bro.  Stand the fuck up.

Yeah Draugr at this point aren't especially tough.  Even that guy, who can use Shouts! (OMGHAX0R!!1!) they kind of have a glass jaw; all talk no walk.  And we move on.

Cut to: Exterior - Canada.  Present day.

Serana, a vampire, doesn't like the outside.  Understandable!  I'm a Nord and I don't like the outside either.  Its cold, and wet, and there are spriggans about.  I'd rather be inside, eating cheese and drinking mead.  Or sleeping.  Serana really wants me to take her back to her home, a castle located out in some fjord in the northwest, where her entire ancient vampire family resides.  She's promised cookies!  Whatever.  She said she'd make it worth my while.  Sure thing, lady.

Distinct lack of caves.  0/10, would not read again.

So this bear decides to jump us before we get to the little rowboat leading to the island.  I really don't know what his deal was, other than for being a cave bear, there was a clear lack of caves nearby.  Maybe he was a hobo-bear, in dire search for a place to call home.  Or salmon.  A dead bear later, we're off to the castle in the lake!  I feel like Tintin.  I hope I fight a gorilla!


Seriously.  Bethesda. What. Stahp.  I am the last person on earth who should have legal guardianship of a plant, let alone a child or two.  Maybe when the threat of total annihilation dies down.  Maybe.  Castle-crashin' time.


Ominous, fog-covered, dirty.  THE PERFECT STORM FOR VAMPIRES.  Lets hope the inside is at least better decorated.  Or guarded.

"Sir, your good-for-nothing spoiled daughter has decided it was time to come home finally." "Release the hounds."

Vampire-Butler is pretty imposing; he's all in my face ready to curbstomp until Serana puts a stop to it.  Clearly because she values his friendship, and doesn't want me to turn him into dust.  Vampire dust.  I have like 20 keys' worth of it in my backpack already.  WHITE-ON-WHITE MAYBACH THU'UM IN MY-YAY-YO. RAW$$.

Worst. Buffet. Ever.

I've seen some bad buffet spreads in my time; some sorry-ass chinese buffets with the weakest attempt at General Tso east of the Mississip'.  A Shoney's in Montgomery AL who's salad bar was 5 kinds of same mashed potatoes.  But these dudes take the cake.  They even refer to their LIVE FOOD as cattle.  That's some Blade 2 Guillermo Del Toro shit. (Obligatory Marty-bait. Bababooey bababooey start up your blog again.)
The power... to be FABULOUS!  HAAAAAAAAY!

If I didn't know better, I'd say this vampire was hitting on me.  But he just wants my precious redstuff.  I need that for livings and whatnot.  I politely decline (There's actual perks and stuff to being a vampire/werewolf now in-game.  I am just forbidden from partaking because of my BLOODOATH with fellow blogger Siskoid.)  Plus vampires are lame.  Mummies are in again.  DIE HARD JAKAL FAN #1.

So, Harkon tells me since I've rebuffed his advances, he'll let me live THIS TIME.  And teleports me out of his castle.

And directly below a dragon.

WELL Vampires are trollin' ass dicks; further confirmation anyways.  I add YET ANOTHER dragon soul to my collection, and consider to wiki a list of the available shouts or something because this is getting silly.  I got like 4 unused souls swimming around right now.  Its like some L. Ron Hubbard level nonsense.  I keep looking up to see a golden DC-8 fly by, filled with weirdos 'bout to read Dianetics.  Back to Dawnguard keep!


Cheeky buggers!  Attacking the very keep!  They got guts, I'll give'em that.  Now they're all over the road.  Their guts, that is.  Haw haw.  Isran isn't too pleased with me, what with I discovered an ancient powerful vampire, didn't kill it, and bring back the Elder Scroll it owned.  Sucks, I know.  So sue me for being a nice guy.  To 'redeem' myself to him, he needs me to go recruit some folks.  FINE.  Whatever.  First: Sorine.  She's the kinda gal who gets kinky for ancient dwarven artifacts and stuff.

"I'm here to recruit you." "No." "Please." "OK!"

That wasn't too hard.  All she wanted me to do is find her backpack, that was stolen by a mudcrab.  Because inside it was a dwemer cog, an old-ass dwarven knickknack that she wants to study.

"I simply cannot leave without one, at the very least!  Oh would you find my belongings for me?"
HERE.  GO BEFORE I MURDER Y--What's that over there.

My Dragon-Sense is tingling!
By time I get to the damn thing, there were like 5 of those guys around to help out.

Elemental Fury shout; GREAT if you wield a weapon, or TWO weapons.  UTTER SHIT if you're unarmed.  Sadness.  OH WELL OFF TO GET A DUDE.  Gunmar!  The man supposedly hangs out with animals a lot, and might even have a Grizzly Adams thing going on with some trolls.  Gross.

Your mom's cottage.

For some reason, Gunmar is in this cave to kill that bear.  I think he just wants an excuse to poach it.  However, WHY is there a troll in there too.  And why did it look like that Troll and that Bear were gettin it on...  Oh god.  I know where Owlbears come from now.

I bring Gunmar back to the keep, where Isran raves about how we gotta step up our game.  Bring the fight to the streets.  The vampire streets!  I feel like Michael McDonald in a Kenny Loggins video.  Slightly out of place, but the guy really wants me to be there, so OK.  First though, I need new vampire-fighting clothes.  The Dawnguard armor isn't quite as good as my Hobo-duds, but they have an added bonus if I'm wearing a full set: increased damage reduction and protection from Vampire spells.


What's that? ...Ge'ek Outt is evolving!
Heavy Metal, baby!

Swanky duds!  That extra 25% Damage Reduction against dicks (Vampires) feels GOOOOOOD.

"This is the 'guest' room." "So I'm a guest?" "No."

Aparently its -MY- fault Serana's here.  Like she just follows me around like a puppy or some shit, and Isran is all "NO.  IT WILL POOP EVERYWHERE." He's probably right, I mean vampires right?  Who knows where they'll poop.  Or if they poop at all.  If your diet consists only of redstuff, do you even digest it like food?  Wouldn't it just be pee?  If you're undead, does your digestive system even work at all?  Why am I interested in vampire butts?

Who knows!  Maybe we'll find out NEXT TIME!  BWAH BWAH BWAAAAHN ♫


  1. Your vampire butt answer: Blood pudding.

    You can thank me later.

  2. I'll thank you NEVER for that one! (Thanks!)