Friday, February 15, 2013

Arkay Asylum: Cult of Personality

Greetings, my lovelies!

When we left off, I had mentioned cults.  So here's where we are: at Fort Dawnguard, Isran's flunkies Gunmar and Sorine believe that we're still ill-prepared for the ultimate standoff with the vampires; we need the help of a zealot by the name of Florentius Baenius.  Florentius is a devout man of Arkay, and is also quite Banana Sandwich inside his brains.  Great!  He'll fit right in.  Except I shouldn't tell Isran, as the man hates Florentius.  

To be fair, Isran hates everyone.  

Onwards!  I'm told that this here abandoned tower houses an evil vampire, who's enslaved many vigilants of Stendarr; not too vigilant are they now.  Not only that, this is where they're keeping Florentius!  First things first though; time to take care of the doorman.

"Cauldron burn, cauldron bubble, I just conjured up some trouble!"

Poor guy summoned a skeleton, and with 1 punch I sent it back to the spiraling nether from whence it came. Then I sent this guy there too.  Maybe the next conjurer I meet will pull HIM out of the magical aether!  Anywho; dungeon-delving time.  Lets see what's in the basement of these rui... 

Home decor by Jason Voorhees.

Blech.  The place is strewn with bodies and gore.  So-far it seems that whoever decided to take over this place tore through the bandits who were occupying it at the time.  I mean that literally.  Bandit-bits everywhere.  bandbits.

Creepy tree next to a deathtrap.  Great. Wonderful. 

Still haven't found anybody yet, and I'm simply progressing deeper into the basement levels of this tower, and it gets weirder and weider and grosser and grosser.

Starting to see almost as much blood as in a Dragon Age game.

I'm starting to wonder of Sorine and Gunmar aren't just trying to get rid of me now.  The only living soul was that crazed magician outside cookin' his squirrel hobo stew or whatever, and I think he was more a casualty of war, than an actual participant in the vampires' plan.  I will however, soldier on.

Please remove your shoes before entering the defiled chambers below.

Quentin Tarantino as a vampire lord?  How else can I explain a stone closet filled with boots and blood.  At this point I've gone through rough natural caverns, dug out mine shafts, and now what seems like ancient Nord draugr crypts.

Of course that's what it does.

Eventually the fires die down, and I manage to get to the door.  What's beyond?  Oh just a Draugr Deathlord.  No biggie.
Ugh, a Deathlord. What a Draugr.  Get it?  Enh? Enh?

No Florentius.  However, letter ABOUT Florentius, from one vampire to the one who used to live here, to bring Florentius elsewhere for safer keeping; seems a pesky interloper by the name of Ge'ek Outt has began meddling in their affairs.  This of course angered the vampires in question, so they hightailed it to their secluded hidey-hole.

"This Dragonborn looks JUUUUUUUST RIIIIIIIGHT."

And this is where the game kicks it into overdrive.  No longer content to simply generating ONE angry cave bear between me and my objective, hey how about THREE.

2 Spiders. 1 Wolf.  I'M SORRY.

Of course that's followed immediately with two frostbite spiders, and a wolf.  I'd say what's next, a dragon?  BUT THAT HAPPENED ALSO.  I eventually manage to get to this cave filled with vampires and what appears to be: mind-controlled Vigilants of Stendarr.  </Sadface>

I'm a stealth master, as long as I'm nowhere within earshot or sight of a normal human being.  I am Batman.

This'll be... pleasant.  These guys are actually pretty rough; usually they fight off Daedra with a combination of martial prowess, and magical arsenals.  Magic is, for a lack of a better word right now, my bane.  Maybe I should start enchanting my gear with resists...  Maybe later.

Sorry man.  You're in the way.

Their barriers are tough, but they don't mitigate ALL of my damage.  Going is slow, but I've a feeling I can power through.


Unfortunately, it cannot be used as a weapon.  I'd consider breaking my No Weapons embargo if I could use the shovel as a weapon.  Really.  I'd do it.  I'm pretty sure Siskoid would agree.  However, these Vigilants are starting to pile up now; I guess I'm gonna have to get creative to take care of them all.

Just like when John McClane lights the jet fuel at the end of Die Hard 2: Unrealistic representation of accelerant being  ignited

I tossed a lit torch on the ground where it JUST SO HAPPENED to land where there was a thick lamp oil slick and I don't know, fire and oil DO mix.  It counts as suicide for them if they just stand there in the fire, right?



"Put up ya dukes!"

Well hello there!  Lady, I'm so pumped to have a friendly round of fisticuffs with you, because a ladywoman who goes the extra mile to meet me halfway at the art of pugilism is SEXY.  Ladies, the key to my heart is simple.  Call me on my bullshit and step up.  I -love- a challenge.  Also nudes.

However you're possessed, so y'know.  Goin' down.

"Open the hatch, the airplane's coming in for a laaaandiiiing"

I don't think she appreciated that.  Well I'm not sure; she's dead.  So y'know.  No time to give her a proper burial however; the master vampire is near!  And he's PISSED!


My Dawnguard armor is cutting 25% of his overall damage right now, which is amazing as its letting me wail on his face like nobody's business right now.  One dead master vampire, and I'm 35 gold richer, as well as armed with a key to a cell... but who's cell could it be?!

I've been doin' pretty bad on the ignoring deities recently, so you might be right.

Florentius is 50% Cashews Planters Mix nuts.  He's however SUPER HAPPY I did exactly what Arkay told him I'd do.  So for a God who knows I'm the real deal and the complete package, Florentius says Arkay is still iffy about me?  Whatever fool, I just saved you from being vampire food.  Get back to Dawnguard keep.

And that's it for this installment!  What's next!?  WHO KNOWS!  (I do.  Me.  I know.)

I leave you on this wisdom from the in-game loading screen tips:

Tested it.  Legit.


  1. So is "possessed" the same as undead? Cuz you're hitting girls again.

    And what is that giving you obvious tips? A Modron? That annoying drone thing from Halo? The Eye of Ekron?

  2. Its the Space Core from Portal 2. Valve did a Skyrim mod which has the Space Core as a lootable object fall from, well space. It just tells you facts about space, how it loves space, and OH BOY does it want to be in space right now.

    I have it on my desk in Whiterun where it just talks all the time.

    Jokey item by one company enjoying another company's product.