Interview with a vampire hunter: seeing how the other side unlives.

I'M ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE.

I never died, really; sometimes other things have a way of overwhelming folks, and through happenstance a whole bunch of overwhelming done did happened.  Hopefully that's all settled (Probs isn't.) but lets keep on keepin' on.

Where were we?  Let us count the ways!

GRIM DETERMINED GAZE: CHECK

So I'm back at Dawnguard Keep; we had just deciphered an Elder Scroll, and I figure lets go get the next one.  To do so, I should meet up with Serana, who's been off brooding infront of her father's castle like all good emo goth vampire riot grrrrrrrrrrrrls do.

Aww there she is.  Smoldering with barely-checked rage and father issues.  JUST HOW I LIKE'EM!

NO MAKE UP NO FILTER NO PULSE

Going through the front door would be tantamount to suicide says Serana.  While I'm not one to shy away from a fight, that DOES sound like suicide, and I'm not into that at all.  Solution: swing around and knock on the back door.  (Aww yiss.)  This involves swimming in freezing waters and general unpleasantness altogether.

No limit imposed if you catch them bare-handed, because who's gonna stop you.

Come on in!  Water's fine!  Its a long trip around, on account that Castle Volkihar is HUGE.  Disciples of Molag Bal gots mad loot; and as vampires they have the luxury of being timeless and just building and building and building.  Imagine if your dad was immortal.  Better yet, imagine if all dads were immortal.  As soon as the summer time came around, they'd build decks across the entire planet, given enough years.

The pool boy's pretty hardcore 'bout his job.

 Of course a castle has a boathouse and adjourning system of twisting labyrinthine catacombs, why would you think otherwise, silly!  The back door's not guarded too well; on account that the help's decomposing and whatnot.  Hire cheap labor, get what you pay for, s'what I say.

Once inside, I find out I gotta head through this mess to find Serana's mom's garden.  Because a vampire tending to flora that feeds off of sunlight is poetic or art or I don't know.  It's dumb.  I make it a point to tell this to Serana multiple times.  Unfortunately me saying "This is dumb.  You're dumb." to my screen doesn't do much.

ACTIVATE THE LEVERRRRRRRRR!

 A lever?  Dare I?  There's no indication that this wouldn't be a trap or something, so I might as well pu--

RELEASE THE HOUNDS

AAAAAAAARGJLEGRJALAHRELANBFDUBJSKD ND DEATH DOGS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

They run at you and make no sound, as they are made of inky black nothingness and that shit is nightmare fuel, son.

Vampires + Salts = Bath Salts? (Ugh. Boo me. Boo.)

Seriously; they love the stuff.  There's salt EVERYWHERE down here.  As well as some health potions and stuff, so I get to lootin' because fuck it; I dovhakiin what I want.  Deal with it.

Right about now, suddenly becoming arachnophobic feels like a BAD idea.

 Whichever door I choose, I lose.

It's like he's going "HAAAAAAAAAY!  Party over here!" but the party is him drinking my liquefied innards.

Why's it gotta be spiders.  STILL with the spiders.  I'm level 32; send me something bigger/tougher than spiders already! (I am going to regret this, actually.)

A vampire's garden, containing a sundial.  The irony is thick here.

 Turns out that its a FORMER sundial!  Serana's mother had it converted into a moondial because that's far more practical for vampires.  There's bits missing, and low and behold, when I fit back the missing pieces, this happens:

Dialin' it back, we're goin' deeper underground.

 MORE catacombs.  And they're the inner secret sanctum of a deranged vampire-lady who's groing hysteria and paranoia of her husband's horrible plans caused her to build this place.  Oy.  Maybe it'll be filled with some neat stuff?

Their last supper.

 Bit sad really; sucks when you die during a meal, because all that food goes to waste, and its kind of an insult to the chef; Ugh my food was so horrible they died?!  How dare I even think of cooking again!?

The last supper 2: BACK FOR SECONDS

Oh thank goodness, they're just undead.  Wait.  No that's not good.  Hold on, I gotta deal with this.  Knuckle sandwiches are being served to all those in attendance, I assure you.

Keith David's gotta eat, man.

 Seems like this lady left a few boobytraps.  In the form of undead folk.  Sucks to be them, 'cause I smashed'em to BITS.  In the case of the gargoyle, quite literally.  gargoyle shards er'where on the ground.

So thirsty!  Milk was a bad choice!

 Perks of being the dovahkiin?  Raiding a vampire's wine cellar as part of salvage claim rights.  Well that's what I'm calling it as, anyways.  If they didn't want me drinking all their wine, they wouldn't have left it out to be drank.

Weird virgin mother symbols: CHECK

Of course they're gonna get heavy-handed with the religious symbols; they're vampires attempting to bring about a world-altering prophecy to usher in their race as top dog, since vampire lords are already pretty much Gods amongst mortals.  Whatever.  Dragons were supposed to be Gods amongst mortals too, and not only do I kill them bare-handed, I also consume their souls.

Serana showin' off her Jubilee powers.  *SPARKLE SPARKLE*

 Oh look, a room filled with like four gargoyles.  NO WAY I GOTTA FIGHT'EM ALL RIGHT?  RIGHT?

RIGHT?

Of course not.  one of them was only half-carved, so he didn't come to life only to get smashed to BITS.

Vampire swag, #YOLF

I seem to have punched my way through all the defenses this lady's set up, and as myself and Serana penetrate into the final sanctum of her mother's catacombs, I can't help but wonder: why don't I just murder them all, already.  Oh well.

Cool floor design, bro.

 First things first; while Serana goes about reading her mother's diaries and journals of necromancy, I get to lootin'.  Out of all, this was the best:

YOU GOT: BEE.

 While rummaging about, we find that we need a bunch of soul gem shards, some void salts, and some blood of a 'Daughter of Coldharbour'.  Whatever that is.  I put most of the junk into the bowl.

♫ Alchemixin' like a DJ - Restoration restore my energy ♫

Nothin'.

Hmm, oh yeah, need that blood!  Since Serana's mom used her own blood, we figure her daughter's blood should be close enough, right?

GON' BLEED YOU.  REAL QUIET.  LEAVE YA HERE.

 Well Serana gets to cuttin' herself, and seems pretty at ease/used to it.  Sick.  It does however, produce results!  BEHOLD!  THE SOUL CAIRN!

WELKOM TEW OUTWARLD.

 YAY SOUL CAIRN!  Which until 30 seconds ago, I didn't know existed.  Still don't really know what it is.  Apparently, according to Serana here that is, it is where all the souls who're soultrapped go to when they die.  It is ruled over by these beings called the IDEAL MASTERS who trade in souls with necromancers for powers within the mortal realm.  However, these IDEAL MASTERS are always dicks, and trick people with shifty bargains whenever they can.  Nobody's seen them ever of course, and the fact that they exist is all speculation, since anybody who's come in contact with them or claimed to, is dead and/or insane.

But hey!  We're goin' down there because Serana's mom is down there, and we need to find out WHY she disappeared forever, and locked her daughter away with an Elder Scroll in that temple that stuck my hand with a needle that one time, WTF lady.

Just one problem, though:

Sophie's Choice, updated.

So my choices are: become a vampire, the one thing I've pretty much dedicated my last few days as a dovahkiin to destroy and stuff as a member of the Dawnguard -or- Y'know, have part of my soul offered as tribute to the IDEAL MASTERS, who are in no way going to backstab me and try to get it all for themselves, and dick me over in the afterlife because I don't have a soul anymore.

As much as I regret it, the choice is made painfully clear.  Also vampirism can pretty much be cured really easy in Skyrim.  You pay a guy, there's a few words, BOOM.  Vamp-b-gone.

I CHOSE... WISELY!

Aww yiss.  C'mere girl, lets exchange fluids and stu--

WHATS GOING ON.  HELP.  I NEED AN ADULT.

 Man, painless?  Really?  One bite and my entire screen flashes red like I just died and... oh.  Hmm.  Well then.

I am now a Vampire Dragonborn former-werewolf vampire hunter leader of the Companions, about to enter what is essentially Purgatory.  I bet there's nothing down there that isn't as horrible as I've met so-far in Skyrim or any of the Oblivion shards I've visited already!

I WAS WRONG OH GOD I WAS WROOOOOOOOOONG

OH MYYYYYYYYY

GHOST SMOKE BONE MEN WHAT WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT WHAAAAAAAAAAAT.

WHAT IS THIS SORCERY.  LETS FIND OUT NEXT TIME WHENEVER I GET AROUND TO UPDATIN' AGAIN.  SOON I HOPE?  MAYHAPS UNLESS THE BONEMEN GET ME.