Let's see; we should take a look at that ol' laundry list of exploits so-far:
Kill dragons and other stuff with my bare hands. Become a homeowner. Eat ALL the meat and ALL the cheese.
- Do a quest for a Daedric creature, masquerading as a common dog. In this case, looking quite a bit like an Irish Wolf Hound, the hobos of the canine world.
Well then. This is new. For those not in the know; Daedric creatures, commonly referred to as Daedra, are from alternate dimensions, that exist simultaneously to Tamriel. They can connect to Tamriel via portals, and each Daedric realm is ruled by a Daedric Prince. Or Princess in some cases; they're never really clear. These guys are your usual 'evil' section of deities within the game's pantheon, with the 9 divine being the 'good' versions. Technically these guys could be Daedric in nature too, at this point it doesn't really matter. They aren't actively attempting to fuck our shit up, so they get a pass.
BARBAS! Scrappy ol' Barbas the talking dog. What a cut-up! Ha Ha! Oh it is to laugh! He wants me to go find his master, Clavicus Vile. Who is essentially the Elder Scrolls' version of Loki. Which in the case of this being Skyrim, REALLY fitting with all the Norse themes and imagery. Anywho. As with all recurring themes in this game (And any previous incarnation of the Elder Scrolls, or Bethesda's versions of Fallout) my target location is at the ASS END OF THE GAME WORLD. So. Before I head out, I might as well stop off at the ol' homestead and get some suppl--
MOTHERFUCKER. Ok, that's IT. I am sick and tired of this moose scampering about my land, like he owns the damn place. Next thing you know he'll get into my vegetable garden and then there's NO getting rid of him ever! Time I take action.
|I admit it; I might've overreacted a bit.|
That'll teach'im. Scamper on MY LAND? Hell naw. And I won't leave it at that; oh no. No no no no. I ain't havin' none of that shit.
|Chuck Testa can get bent.|
Now that my moose infestation's settled, I can get back on the road and deal with Barbas' incessant barking; dude seriously loops the barking NONSTOP. Like a tiny yapper dog, only man-sized.
Oh and some bandits showed up on the way there. One of them thought he'd be clever, and taunt me. Y'know the kind; that roguish cocky asshole who always thinks he's the best there ever is and was because he can rock a leather outfit and a ponytail.
|Honourable mention: Your GP or your HP.|
I both love and hate ranged enemies right now; because they can really open up and pour out damage on me while I close the gap to get at them in melee; but when I do get in there, they're pretty weak and go down fast. Also it looks really, really cool.
|"To the knee, you say? Please, tell me how that stopped you from being an adventurer."|
|This move is called "Boromir's Elbow" It's hard to perform because: Arrows.|
Barbas didn't even help. He just stared the whole time; my guess is his dog-form compelled him to chase loose arrows as if they were sticks. The poor bandit's mage companion didn't fare any better, either!
|BOOM SHAKA LAKA!|
Let's get an instant replay of that! OOH LAWDY. Barbas, keeping a silent (FOR ONCE!) vigil throughout all that. "Yeah no; he's good. He's got this." Then he glitched on/in a door for about 5 minutes. That or his Dog A.I. is so well-programmed he forgot how to get out from behind an open door for 5 minutes because LOL DOGBRAIN.
Halfway there! I mean there's probably nothing left between me and Vile's cave-shrine, right? Dawn's breaking, usually the worst offenders of the enemies' list kinda shy away from the sun's piercing rays, right?
|Bird? Plane? Birdplane? No. Fuckin' dragon. Again.|
It never gets easier, does it. Back to work! I had to run around the forest a bit and find a clearing so the horrible bastard could land and be punched.
|Shouting match between Dragon & Dragonborn.|
Using shouts on dragons is fun because it essentially devolves into a giant screaming match; that firebreath? That's them talking to you. But their voices and words are so intense that stuff just magically happens because of it. Like the fire. Or for some other dragons, ice. Fus Ro Dah (used in this case) is effectively a BACK OFF! GET YOUR OWN SANDWICH! slam in Dragonese. It's quite effective, as it'll stop a dragon mid-shout, and knocks'em off-balance.
|YOUR SOUL IS MINE. FLAWLESS VICTORY.|
See? Works like a charm. Alright! Just gonna climb on up this here mountain for a bit, ain't nothin' gonna stop me n--
|NO ONE EXPECTS THE SNOWBEAR INQUISITION|
Dude looks WAY too happy to see me. I bet I'm all looney tunes in his eyes; just this burly T-Bone steak with arms and legs. But now he's a mass of fur in my backpack, ready to be turned into a stuffed conversation piece back at Casa Del Dragon-Puncho. Silly ol' bear.
|15 more feet to go; HOPEFULLY NOTHING ATTACKS ME.|
This whole time, Barbas? USELESS. He'd either get in between me and the target, or off to the side, barking his head off. Anyways, time to enter the dark dank cave and see what more horrors lie in wait for me before I get to Clavicus Vile, Daedric Prince of hairdoos. (Commerce actually. Like trades and pacts, but you always get screwed over. So like a car salesman, basically.)
|Vampires! It's like Lost Boys all over again, except there's 200% less Cory action!|
Vampires, or at least these ones, weren't very tough; they also seemed to look quite malnourished. One of them even exploded into fire from being punched. I don't think I had anything specifically to do with it, unless Dawnbreaker's magical effects are active just with it being in your backpack the whole time. Still hadn't sold it. Shut up. I'm sentimental. So yeah; magical explody punch-death for some vampires a-comin' right up. Feelin' close now. So close. Few more vampires and I should be ther--
|" 'SUP. Up top, c'mon! Don't leave me hangin'."|
OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD SPIDERRRRRRRRRR. UGH I had forgotten how much they creep me out; this one decided to dingle-dangle its ass down from the ceiling and chitter-chatter about a snow-laden stone floor to make the least amount of sound possible, but at the same time what amount of sound was produced was the most horrific thing I've ever heard. Spiders have the sound to terrorizing ratio down cold. I didn't wait around for him to tell me what he wanted, which was probably for me to be his meal. I gave'im 8 black eyes. Also death.
|He even has the Loki helmet.|
FINALLY made it to Clavicus Vile's statue within his shrine. He better be damn well appreciative I brought him his dog, because Barbas sure has been zero help at all; figurative and literally. He's provided no information as to why I should even be here at all, AND he sucks in a fight. Dang as dang dog.
Friday's edition of Geeking Out in Skyrim: Vile makes me several offers I could easily refuse, but DARE I!?