Monday, December 3, 2012

Rising from the ashes like some sort of mythical creature... like a Slow Loris but with a gun.

Excelsior, bitches!

I've been away for a while.  I'm sorry.  It's partly my fault, partly that cosmic macarena that is destiny.  The karmic pendulum swung hard this summer, and killed my Skyrim-PC, ironically as I was coming back from a funeral.  Then Mists of Pandaria happened, and other stuff; its a long story filled with sighs.  However, I managed to get my old PC working, and somehow its' able to run Skyrim!  Furthermore, Steam's thanksgiving sales got me the two Skyrim DLCs for 50% off so BONUS CONTENT!

And as a recap for those of you just joining us: I was given the challenge of playing Skyrim without using weapons at all one day on a good friend's local radio show. (I played live on-air.  It was bawss.)  Including offensive magic.  Not like, Power Word: Fuck You, but more along the lines of Fireballs.  That kind of offence   I say "Fuck You" a lot, but it does not cause any visible damage to the denizens of Tamriel.  These are my adventures so-far!

And now, for our adventure in progress: Pirate Booty (Part 1)

I 'woke up' from my unwanted sabbatical in Solitude; fitting really.  After a few graphic settings tweaks, I manage to shamble towards the exit, where two couriers accost me; one to tell me the Jarl of Falkreath has made me a Huscarl!  And that doing so I get to buy a plot of land, and dole that place up to my heart's delight (Hearthfire DLC).  The second courier was less cordial, and straight up recruited me to go kill vampires.  I figure that punching a vampire must be as fun as punching a dragon, so I tell the man I'm down like a clown for that nonsense (Dawnguard DLC) and head my merry way down the main path out of Solitude.

But first, I want to get my bearings; I have a whole mess of old quests lying around, and one of them is to turn the Solitude lighthouse' fire off.  Maybe they want to conserve energy or something, I don't know.  So I set off to see a man about a lighthouse.

My love, my life, and my lady is the sea.  Don't tell my wife.
Ok, so there's the lighthouse.  Hopefully I won't need to talk to some creepy old lighthouse keeper, or do some mundane fetch-quest for him so I can douse the fire up top.  Actually I don't have to.  Damn thing's abandoned.  Maybe that's why they want the fire off?  If we're not using it, why leave it on type of deal.

I tried my ice breath.  Didn't work.  Touching it did though.  Weird.
So the fire's out.  Good jorb, me!  Lets get back to town, and talk to that wonderful Argonian Jaree-Ra who tasked me with reducing redundant government spending in Solitude.  This empowers me, knowing that even  local governments take energy & resource waste seriously.  Hopefully their health care system is up to par because...

"Looks like I have to... jump!" Dragonpuncher... too?
Shortest distance between full health and a death cinematic is a plummet.  I didn't die, but lets just say I had to eat an obscene amount of apples to get back up to snuff.  Good thing I've been hoarding them!  Jaree-Ra's all happy I've taken care of that loose end because this means... the Icerunner (Shipname; adequate as Skyrim is filled with ice) will now hit the shoals and run aground.  Well shit.  I'm less Parks & Rec and more Somali Pirate right now.  WELL no sense in dwelling in such a thick moral dilemna; that wrecked ship won't rob itself!  Tally ho!

Gibbets: the natural escalation from a Skull & Crossbones flag.
I'm somewhat relieved that at the very least, I'm robbing other pirates.  Jaree-Ra tells me to hook up with his buddies the Blackblood Mercenaries at the ship, as they've been waiting the whole time there.  Even took care of the original crew!  By this I mean killed them.  So I get there, and am told to talk to the little skirmish-team leader, an Argonian named Deeja so I can get my cut.  I'm all about the loot, so I mosey on down below, only to notice that the Blackbloods pretty much took everything that wasn't nailed down to the hull.  Well.  Almost everything.

Still a better love story than Twilight.
The cake was a figment of the diamond's imagination the whole time.  There I've ruined it for you.  A brief pause to read from the pirates' selection, and I'm off to Deeja!  Who, I've been assured upon arriving, wishes to conspire with me over my remuneration, and possibly further contracts!  In the back of my mind its just a constant stream of gold coins plinking down into my coin purse, neverending.  S'great.

Your payment is MURDER!
D-D-D-D-DOUBLECROSS! My fee for helping out was supposedly a quick death!  Well I wasn't gonna have any of that at all! Oh hell no the nuh-uh the no way!  Deeja you're going DOWN!

The black inky veins on their necks reminds me of Andy On's character in True Legend.
Well now; I cannot abide by a broken contract.  You promised me loot Deeja and Jaree-Ra!  Exquisite loot!  How could you do this to me, but a humble Dragonpuncher!?  I guess I'm going to have to take it out on your gaggle of minions.  Sucks to be them.  No really.  In some Skyrim content patch between this post and the previous one, they added in further cinematic kill-moves for unarmed players.  I am now a wrasslin' man.

Poor mage never knew what truly hit him.  I do though.  It was the floor.  The floor hit him pretty hard.  To think that mere moments ago, before I had words (fists) with Deeja, these guys were all congratulatory to me about shutting off the lighthouse.  The world of piracy is a fickle mistress, and allegiances are swiftly made, and even quicker broken; like this poor sap's nose bridge.

Open wide; the Pain Train's a comin' CHOO CHOO!
This guy was successfully 'Interrogated' to learn out where Jaree-Ra & Co were hiding out.  And by interrogated, I mean I killed him and looked through his pockets, finding a note with the pirate group's address.  Only slightly more difficult than using Google Maps at this point.

On our next instalment; I go find Jaree-Ra, and force-feed him his own tail! (Not really.  Maybe.)

Stories of your own?
Leave'em down below in the comment section!

1 comment:

  1. I'm the one who created this monster, and now the monster has been reborn. UNDEAD!!!!

    Great to see the blog up and running again, much as your bowels must have after eating a shit-ton of apples. Falling 20 stories, easy. Heartburn, hellish.