Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The Gods Must Be Lazy: Skyrim edition

Another day, another adventure.  On our last meeting, we had just taken care of Deeja the double-crosser, and her cohort of merrily deceased marauders.  On account of all that double-crossing, see?  We just can't have that.  I won't stand for it, and neither should you!

So let's go see an Argonian about some treasure!

Pirate's Booty 2: Keelhaulin' Ass.

Between punching these fools, and taking all their stuff, I remembered that Delphine is somewhere in Skyrim, patiently waiting for me to get back there and carry on her quest about the Blades or whatever.  Sheepish grin would be appropriate, but hey; these pirates? They're gonna keep right on piratin' if I don't do something about it.  And the next guy they bamboozle into doing their dirty work for them well; he might might not be as awesome as I am, and get killed in the process.  Can't have that on my concience.  So OFF WE GO!

Pirate hideout composed entirely of wrecked ships?  Seems legit.
Having wrested the directions to their little clubhouse or clubcave I should say, making my way there was relatively easy and uneventful.  Once inside howeveer getting to Jaree-Ra was another matter entirely.  The system of causeways between hastily assembled scaffolding and shipwrecks left me open to ranged attacks, and each one of these pirates was a seasoned archer.  I took so many arrows to the torso, that I thought I was going to die.  Well no, I thought I had died and found heaven, because:

Glorious meat and cheeses; where were you my entire life!  Come to daddy om nom nom.  This of course, angered the locals.  Crack shots as they are, they weren't as brilliant at fisticuffs.  Evidence shown below:

Intercontinental Champion!
Perfect Teeth!
No Cavities!
I must've angered the momma bear, because Jaree-Ra showed up not too long after I royal Rumbled the schillings out of his minions.  And he must've been pissed, because not only did he show up for a good ol' fashioned fist fight, he struct a JCVD pose.

I am goeng tew keek yohr ass. So hord. Da neks Dragunboarn iz guna feel eet!
A for Effort, at least.  Jaree-Ra wasn't much for conversation like our last meeting dockside at Solitude's harbor; he knew why I was here.  He knew the score.  He had ordered me killed, and his underlings failed to deliver.  If I showed up here it was because reparations were to be made.  But negotiations were out of the question.  You don't really have any leverage over a man you've previously attempted to have murdered, when they persist on living and showing up at your doorstep.  All you gotta do is square your shoulders, and deal with the situation as best you can, yourself.

"Oh you're actually good at this punching thing.  Shit."
Suffice to say, Jaree-Ra died like a bitch.  Also his boss, who I was unaware even existed, decided to come down a gangplank and see what all the ruckus was all about.  He died too.  And I took his things.  Even his dessert.  I ate it right next to his corpse.

Hostess with the Mostest.
It was delicious.  Well, as delicious as a pastry can be when the creme fraiche filling is turning into almost a sour greenish color, just laying there for who-knows-how-long on a wooden desk, in the middle of a water-filled damp cave.  Modern health officials would shit themselves if this place were a restaurant.

Captain Hargar.  Horrible man.  Excellent corpse.
Having defeated the Blackblood Marauders by my lonesome, eating the good captain's twinkie, and sated my vengeance on Jaree-Ra, I rummaged through that there chest hoping to find something of worth.  And hoo boy did I!  A large gem, called Meridia's beacon.  Like soccerball-sized.  And the thing talked.  What do gems say?  The usual.

Its dangerous to go alone! Do this quest!
What I thought would be a simple smash'n'grab, turns out I gotta go be a herald to Meridia, and fix whatever broken nonsense with her temple because these nigh-powerful cosmic wanderers can't do it themselves.  Oh well, Delphine can wait some more!  I got some God's errand to do to get favor for!

Next time on Geeking out in Skyrim: Tyler Perry's Meridia Goes To Jail.


  1. Hostess joke? TOO SOON!

    So is all this pirate stuff from the patch? Could you go on boats and the sea in the original game? I'm only asking to be polite.

  2. As far as I know, this content is from the vanilla release; I still haven't hit any of the DLC content (SO FAR. Upcoming installments, I might dabble into them.)

    The wrestling moves are clearly from a patch since the game released.

  3. What little I saw of the game (on Xbox) was the usual Daggerfall crap of dungeons on the plain, so I know nothing.